Earth Hour 2009

In case you haven't read your newspaper in the past week, this Saturday is the Global Vote Earth campaign event in which people are asked to participate in an international effort to show their vote of concern for the planet Earth by turning off their lights for one hour starting at 8:30pm. Among the list of businesses, corporations and individuals participating in the event are Hustler magazine publisher, Larry Flynt, who plans to turn everything off at his LA headquarters for those 60 minutes. When power is returned the building will vibrate for one additional hour. Continuing efforts to go green, Flynt will begin selling biodegradable marital aids.

Dumb Ones and Dragons

This years edition of Dancing with the Stars has really taken a toll on celebrity performers. Jewell dropped out due to a fractured tibiae, Jack-ass star Steve-O hurt his back and Steve Wozniak (founder of Apple computers) fractured his foot. I'm mostly disappointed about the Woz because I was waiting for his rendition of a - "Laptop dance." :0) At this rate of injury, Elizabeth Taylor can pretty much qualify as a contestant.***
Former Vice Presidential candidate and Alaska Governor Sarah Palin's daughter, Bristol, has stated that she and her baby-daddy, Levi Johnston, "could reunite but would remain apart as friends, for now." In an interview that aired on ABC's Good Morning America, Bristol also said that it could be a sunny day unless it gets cloudy, that she would be hungry until she ate something and that new baby Tripp, would be stinky until she changed his diaper. I never fail to be moved by Palin family wisdom. *** On April 5th, Sutter Medical Center of Sacramento will display a 20 foot long and 8 feet high inflatable plastic colon. The U-shaped pink and red display will allow people to walk through and experience examples of polyps and cancerous lesions up close. Who said there is nothing to do in the Capital city? The hospital expects some negative reactions but it will be nothing compared to the May display of two giant helium inflated testicles which will celebrate 'Turn-Your-Head and Cough week. ***
From the competitors of the Franklin Mint, I recently received brochure from the Hamilton Collection for --- Poker Playing Dragons - the collectible figure set. I'm not making this up. Yes indeedy, for years you always wondered what to buy your friends who were fantasy gaming, Renaissance Faire going, dogs playing poker art collectors and here it is. ***
I was more than surprised by a recent time magazine article by NBA star Kobe Bryant, titled 'How To Improve Your Game.' Apparently Time magazine's editor didn't see the irony that the player who was once accused of rape, turned in a piece which is divided into three sections titled "#1 - Shooting, #2 - Defense and #3 - Foul Shot. To make things worse, the subheadings below #1 - Shooting, are Grip-it, But don't palm it, and Then Rip it. I'm going to e-mail, Sigmund Freud and get his reaction. ***

Courtrooms and Cologne

Anna Nicole Smith's former lawyer, boyfriend and drug dealer, Howard K. Stern will be in court on May 15th and facing up to five years in prison. But the biggest scare is that sitting in the front row, plans to be Anna's former interior designer and friend Bobby Trendy. While I strongly believe that cameras should be allowed in courtrooms, Bobby Trendy should not. Especially in the front row. I mean, how are people behind him going to see through his over sized, sequined on leather with ostrich feather hat. Besides, are you supposed to wear ostrich feathers BEFORE Memorial Day? *** As we get closer to the May 8th release of the revamped version of Star Trek, a Maryland company will release fragrances inspired by the iconic sci fi series and film franchise. Among the aroma choices are 'Tiberius,' which is influenced by the character of James T. Kirk, 'Boldly Go,' features vanilla and sandalwood and 'Pon Farr' referring to a Vulcan mating ritual combines the scents of musk and leather. If successful, I expect the company, called Genki Wear, can release a line of perfumes that announce a person is single and wants to mingle. They could use names like "Klingon To Me,' 'Khan't Say No,' 'Wanna See My Shuttle Bay,' and 'Phasers on Stunning.' *** After Kelloggs severed ties with bong using Olympian Michael Phelps, the donated nearly two tons of corn flake boxes featuring Phelp's image to a San Francisco food bank. What? A Berkeley food bank would have been much more appropriate. Responding to press inquiries, a spokesman for the food bank stated "Our clients are more interested in what's inside the box." Of course they did, each box contained a 50% off coupon for Woody Harrelson's line of Hemp clothing. Clearly, Phelp's popularity has diminished. A recent episode of 60 Minutes, featuring Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke brought in 12.9 million viewers while opposite it on NBC, the Dateline NBC episode featuring Michael Phelps only had a third of that audience. Not surprising. Many Phelps fans find it hard to work a TV remote control with a roach clip. ***

Give Em What They Want

Since the ignorant religious right believes there is a Gay agenda to indoctrinate children into the homosexual lifestyle I say, let's not disappoint them. We've got Gay networks with LOGO and HERE TV, let's get some Gay programming for kids. How about shows like...

Johnny Quest-tioning Youth
Analmaniacs
He-man and the Masters
South Porked
Family Gay
Spongebob Tightpants
Sesame Street Hustler
Mister Rogers Bathouse
Rocky and Bulldyke
Curious George - Michael
I Wish I Knew How To Quit You Charlie Brown

and of course...
Yogi the Bear

Pet Peeve at the Movies

Spring is here and that means one thing. Kids will be out of school soon and I refuse to go to the movies during that time. Screaming babies are one thing but the worst movie going plague has to be tweens and teens and their inane conversations. The fact that they act like they are the only ones in the theatre and that no one else can hear them defies logic. OK, so the words teens and logic are self-cancelling but you get my point. No matter how hard I try or what type of medication I use, I have absolutely no patience with them. How can anyone tolerate the constant harping of "stop hitting me," "I didn't want diet coke," "don't eat it all," "I don't want to be this close" and that's just from my dates.
What I don't understand is why, when a theatre is 90% empty, why or why do three Miley Cyrus fans have to sit in the aisle directly in front of me? Using the cell phone is bad enough but ad twitter to their constant twitter. Those brief messages of life and death issues like "Suzie won't got to Terrie's party unless you go." or "Sandy says you're a retard." Three steps up the ladder of the movie annoyances list are those who answer the phone during the movie. Then make it worse by answering with "Oh, nothing, what are YOU doing?' I'm the one heard in the background yelling "He's at the movies making out with YOUR girlfriend!" And worse than that was a recent conversation I had to suffer through, "Well, Suzie said Billy was definitely going to get me that ankle bracelet we saw at the mall, for our 3 month anniversary and if it plays his cards right, I might let him have more than just a piece of my birthday cake and I'm talking a piece WITH a rose on it." Golly, and I use to like dessert.
Not being one who focuses on vengeance, I simply kicked started the karma flow and opened my own cell phone and hit a few buttons as if dialing a number. Waiting a few seconds I then spoke into it and said, loudly enough for the Malibu Barbies in front of me to hear. "Hi honey, are the kids home? Good, then tell Billy I'll loan him that $200 for that girl's ankle bracelet but ONLY if he promises to go to the clinic to get a shot for the constant drip problem."

Don't need a prescription for an Anagram

I was looking around the anagram section of the website at http://www.wordsmith.org/ and found some interesting results for rearranged names of friends (last names ommitted to protect the innocent.) My nephew Steven comes up with Tats Due Ever (and he has Tattoos) or A Turd See Vet. My friend Sharon gets Moaner Splash, Reed gets Beer Dryer, Cecilio's full name ends up as Coca cuisine loin, Nicole gets Clone Lite On, Sara's name comes back as Safari Red and Babak gets Saki and hobbies which is pretty much how he spends his weekends. But what did I come up for Nathaniel Grey? --- Why, The Rainy Angel of course. *** It has been announced that George W. Bush will write a book focused on the 12 toughest decisions of his 8 year presidency. I expect that list of twelve to include choosing Budweiser over whiskey, waffles or pancakes, taping Letterman or taping Leno, boxers or briefs or turning them inside out, on referring to his need to use a bathroom as Airforce number one and airforce number two, and whether or not to say NO to Dick Cheney.*** People don't get my humor. I was the bank cashing a check the teller asked "and what demonination? and I said "Catholic but I really don't go to church." While she stared at me like a deer in headlights the teller next to her laughed hysterically. It makes no difference what business I'm at, even fast food workers are clueless. I was at a Del Taco yesterday and after placing my order I asked the girl, "Is Del working today?" Again, the blank stare of a DMV employee. ***

It's In The News

Just when you think there could be nothing scarier than the Octomom and her addiction to irresponsible breeding, comes news that Anne Heche has given birth to another child. Having left the man she hooked up with after breaking up with Ellen DeGeneres, Heche is now with James Tupper, her newest "long term" relationship. Apparently, Tupper is the father, unless someone from Heche's home planet files suit for a paternity test. *** And if this isn't the best example of how living well is the best revenge, in the wake of the former Heche/DeGeneres relationship, on today's Ellen show, she will be interviewing her wife, Portia de Rossi, who debuts in her own new sitcom later this week. ***
Bringing into question, the apparent de-evolution of my fellow man, is an article from last week's Sacramento News & Review. The regular segment, Streetalk, asked a group of average joes and janes, the same question. "What are you superstitious about?" was answered by Mark - Video store employee, with "I have something about fog. Whenever fog comes out, I become a little more cautious than usual." That's not superstitious you idiot, it's called driving safely. Talking about driving, one of the other answers came from Lexy - a student, who replied "Bad omens really stick out to me. One night, I was driving with friends, and we were supposed to make a turn. We had noticed in the turn lane there was an abandoned car with nobody in it, so I was pretty freaked out." Abandoned cars freak her out? Has this girl never driven through Bakersfield? Then, the wacko award winner was Susie Q - Clerk who stated "I have no idea why, but ever since my grandmother died a few yeas ago, I started finding dimes wherever I went. Maybe she's sending me a sign. or some extra change, but they're always there." OK. That's ridiculous! Everybody knows that the spirit world leaves signs with quarters. ***
Three women were arrested and six injured when a riot broke out in New York, among Tyra Banks wannabees waiting to audition for the reality show, America's Next Top Model. Chaos erupted when it was discovered that a candidate near the front of the line was eating carbs. ***