For My Beloved Edward

Today, January 25th, my beloved Edward would have been 46 years old. Last year I sent out an e-mail telling friends things that could do, eat, watch and such to help remember him. But as April showers will bring the second anniversary of his death, the large number of "his" friends who are still in touch with me have virtually washed away. So this year, alone, I tried to have lunch at his favorite place to go for birthday dinner. Somehow, the concept of lunch alone seemed less pathetic than dinner by myself. I discovered that the Sacramento Downtown Plaza branch of Morton's of Chicago had closed and moved over to the capital mall. A real disappointment and one more piece of the past that I can not recreate. Our favorite booth - number 18 -gone, Fillet Oscar will never taste the same and the illumination on his face from Morton's traditional table lamp has gone out.
Directionless, with plans gone asunder, I wandered around the Downtown Plaza mall and was shocked to see the number of businesses that have closed. Change, will it ever end? I stopped in Papyrus, Edward's favorite card store and discovered their going out of business sale. He would have been thrilled that all the cards left in the store were only one dollar each as Papyrus usually has some of the most expensive cards around. I once picked up a $10 card for him which was covered in sequins, beads and fabric to recreate and undersea coral reef. Edward adored jewelry and decor made of coral. And now, the $9, $7.50, $6.95 cards were majorly marked down causing me to wonder, what is the upscale equivalent to a K-mart blue light special? For some it's the annual Bridal sale at Filene's in Boston but for me it was here, it was now, it was the right opportunity to celebrate and remember Edward.
For those who didn't know me as an us, Edward's physical limitations during his final years caused him to embrace to lost art of sending personal greetings through the U.S. Postal Service. His fear of armed postal carriers, through rain, sleet or hail of gunfire could not dissuade him. The idea of bringing joy to others energized him. To support this passion, I would pick up unique and interesting cards for him whenever I had access to special stationary stores. He loved having a large selection to chose from even to the point of coordinating the style and color of the stamp with the mailing label. When he died there must have been over a hundred and fifty greeting cards in his pendaflex file. Over these last 20 months I have diligently followed his example trying to keep his tradition alive by sending cards for anniversaries, birthdays, graduations, new home cards and much more. Yet the supply is dwindling and needed to be replenished. A sale of quality cards in styles Edward would have loved was indeed fortuitous or you might say - even a Hallmark moment. But alas, not a one was from Hallmark.
So now I'm set for Valentine's day, Easter, St. Patrick's day and who knew they made Arbor Day cards. Of course being made of paper, it seems a bit sacrilegious. I think I'm set for everything up to that Fall Jewish holiday celebrating pain killers called Rosh Limbaugh. Guess that means I better hit the post office this week to pick up reserve stamps. Actually, it's something to look forward to as It's been weeks since I've stood in line and bit my tongue while listening to an 89 year old woman ask the postal clerk, How long are forever stamps good for? Though he would have blushed a bit, Edward would have understood if I was the first to yell out "They'll last longer than YOU will!"
Though I struggle to keep Edward's traditions alive, it is by no means, a struggle to maintain his memory. I celebrate the man he was and embrace the passions of his spirit. As I have grown with my loss, many people have said that time heals all wounds, that the pain of losing a loved one lessens with time. Having walked these soles of solitude I can not confirm that time is a wonder cure. You simply, ...

run out of tears.