Entertainment News For March 2009

In the wake of the success of the TV series Blood Ties and motion picture Twilight, it was inevitable that Lesbians with fangs would be the latest rage. Though no release dates for the USA, United Kingdom audiences will get to see Lesbian Vampire Killers on March 20th. Due to an ancient curse women of a rural Welsh village are enslaved to a flock of lesbian vampires. God I hate when that happens. Hoping to appease the blood suckers, the remaining men enlist two oblivious young men as sacrifice. If you haven't already guessed, it's a comedy. News that it stars James Corden and Mathew Horne of the hit Brit comedy series Gavin & Stacey should confirm it. Other cast members include Susie Amy (Coronation Street), Travis Oliver (Footballers Wives: Extra Time) and Silvia Colloca who also played a vampire in the Hugh Jackman blockbuster - Van Helsing. The great thing about seeing movies in the UK is, reserved seating tickets. Which is important for idiots who prefer to sit in the middle and annoy others with the sound of their dropped soda bottle as it rolls all the way down to the front row.
Continuing the theme of creatures that "suck," Here! TV brings back new episodes of it's popular campy vampire series The Lair this spring. Well known for casting porn stars and other beautiful men, the new season will feature a cameo by current porn legend Steve Cruz. Returning for the next 13 episodes are such familiar faces as Colton Ford, David Moretti, Dylan Vox, Brian Nolan and Frankie Valenti (aka Johnny Hazzard). *** The previously mentioned Dylan Vox, stars in the June release of Homewrecker. Described as a stereotype spoof of lifetime cable cable movies, the comedy centers on three Gay couples in a Wisteria Lane type neighborhood, who's idyllic lives and relationships are shaken when an aspiring single actor moves into the neighborhood. The film marks the directorial debut of Paul Hart who has previously worked mostly as an editor on such projects as Spider-man and It's My Party. ****
A gender switched role has blessed upon Julie Traymor's next film, The Tempest. In this latest version of the Bard's work, the usual male character of Prospero has become a female named Prospera, and without the expensive hormone therapy. Though Traymor's last effort, Edge of the Universe, was a box office bomb, The Tempest should garner a lot more positive attention with its stellar cast. This opulent period piece is illuminated with the talents of Oscar winner Helen Mirren, Djimon Hounsou (Blood Diamond), Alan Cumming (The L Word), Alfred Molina (Prick Up Your Ears,) Ben Whishaw (Brideshead Revisited), and the humorously controversial Russell Brand. ***
Though still no title for Mathew Damon's next Jason Bourne spy thriller, it appears that the producers have ignored MY suggestion of having Damon play an operative who can't remember his sexual identity and call it 'The Bourne Uncertainty.' Whatever it's called, mark your calendar for a Summer 2010 premiere. *** Johnathan Chase, Jarrod from Another Gay Movie, appears in the new Sandra Bullock movie All About Steve. The comedy presents Bullock as an obsessed Cross-word puzzle solver who pursues a CNN reporter, Bradley Cooper, trying to convince him that they belong together. Are we sure this isn't a remake of a Stephen King story? Opening March 6, the movie includes Thomas Haden Church (Spider-man 3), Beth Grant (Sordid Lives: the series), M.C. Gainey (Lost), and Kerri Kenney (Deputy Trudy from Reno 911!) ***
HBO continues it's reputation for unique and quality programming with the March 29th debut of The No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency. Set in the African nation of Botswana, the series is based on the novels by Alexander McCall Smith about an all-female detective agency. The show will feature Idris Elba (The Wire),David Oyelowo (The Last King of Scotland), Jill Scott (Girlfriends) and a recurring Gay character named BK, played by Desmond Dube (Hotel Rawanda.) ***
Having closed it's successful Australian run, Priscilla Queen of the Desert the musical comes to London's West End this month. The Palace Theatre will be the new home for this stage version of the hit Stephen Elliot film. Critics have hailed it as the "ultimate feel-good theatrical experience." Though unknown to USA audiences, the cast will include Jason Donovan, best known to down under tv fans for his starring role on the series Echo Beach. Stage actor Oliver Thornton takes over the role of Felicia/Adam which was played by Guy Pearce in the movie version. Thornton is a classically trained ballet student and thus has the bod to carry off the eye candy that Pearce brought to the role.
March brings needed and eagerly anticipated return of Gay characters to televison. New episodes off Greek, starring Paul James as Calvin, the Gay fraternity brother return to ABC Family. Reaper returns to the CW lineup on March 3rd featuring Ken Marino as Tony the Gay Demon whose lover ascended to become an angel. For any Republicans reading this, "Gay Demon" is NOT redundant! Over on NBC the corporate family drama, Kings, was to debut this month but will probably be rescheduled due to the additional 4 episodes ordered for the final season of E.R. When it does air, Kings promises not one but two Gay characters. One is being kept tightly under wraps, (no not cause he's at a spa) while the other is his love interest played by Michael Arden who was seen in the recent release of Bride Wars. Starting Feb. 6 on here TV, anglophiles or just fans of good television can catch the 10 part British miniseries Sugar Rush which focuses on a teenage girl and her Lesbian relationship. The series received a 2007 BAFTA Television Awards nomination and stars Olivia Hallinan which some may remember as Emma the shop girl in the Out of Time episode from Torchwood.

Whackos Always Make the Papers

Times are hard and stereotypes are broken. A Sacramento Sheriff's Department Team recently arrested a 79-year-old man fro selling heroin. When arrested, he was found in possession of $36,000 of heroin, a handgun and $700 in stolen Hometown Buffet gift cards. As law enforcement surrounded his home, the man opened his door and yelled "Get off my lawn you little whipper snappers!"
Lee Redmond, a woman who hadn't cut her fingernails since 1979 and held the Guinness Book of World Records has lost her title due to damage in a Salt Lake City car accident. Good news is she can eat solid food again AND use the toilet. *** An article in yesterdays newspaper about the health benefits of couples supporting each other presented a very different topic in it's title. The story headline which read 'Joint medical care part of caring, doctors say,' pretty much says that your doctor CAN perscribe marijuana and if you call now - you'll get a box of rolling papers and autographed 8X10 of Michael Phelps. I know, I know. Go easy on the poor Olympic record holder, after all, he only made a Bong decission. ***
Though Ashton Kutcher was out of the country at the time, drivers in Collinsville, ILL have been punked with altered traffic signs. Pranksters here and in a few others states have hacked into electronic road signs, normally used for Amber alerts and traffic alerts, were changed to read 'Daily Lane Closures Due To Zombies,' Raptors Ahead,' and 'Zombies In The Area, RUN!' A spokesman for the Illinois Transportation Department said "We don't want (drivers) being distracted by a funny sign." Oh yeah, well then let's get rid of those 'Falling Rock" signs.
Live long and prosper but don't piss him off. Police in Colorado Springs, Colo, are looking for a man who used a Star Trek style Klingon sword in attempted robberies at area stores. Can't find the guy? How hard is it to track down a balding guy over 40 who lives in their parents' basement and has never dated.

My Marleys and Me

If you read the book or saw the movie Marley and Me, you understand the unique predicaments a dog owner can find themselves in. Shortly after Edward and I moved to Ohio in 1991, I was co-erced into getting a dog. Though this was before Edward was diagnosed, I still played the parental role by making him promise "you will walk him, feed him, bath him and pick up after him." Of course I will came the reply. Of course I was duped came the later realization. We located a book about selecting the right puppy and narrowed our choice down to three which best fit our parameters - fast learner, does well in an apartment, pleasant demeanor and most importantly - small poops. The trio of choice were Lhasa Apso, Maltese and Japanese Chin. The Lhasas we looked at where much bigger than expected which I dubbed Dogzillas and the Maltese always had sever overbites which meant expensive retainers and braces for years to come. Though Japanese Chin's were hard to locate beyond the west coast we finally found a Midwest source and fell in love when visiting a breeder outside Columbus.
Our little black and white bundle of joy came home with us and was given the name of Kibo - the Japanese word for hope. I think you should always give a dog a name from his native language. Rather fortuitous choice considering Edward was diagnosed a few months later. Because we moved to Ohio for Edward's career, I wasn't working when Kibo joined our family. As he wasn't quite house broken, when I had to go out, I would put Kibo in the kitchen behind a dog gate. After a few days this fur ball was out and about when I came home but with the dog gate still in place. After repeated experiences I discovered that the little evil genius had bit through the plastic mesh to the shape of a letter U which made an escape hatch that would fall back into place after he escaped to wander and mark the apartment. just imagine cutting a similar shape into a cyclone fence. When it falls back down, from a distance, one can't easily tell it has been altered. As a solution I wired the mesh flap back into place but a few days later, Kibo was out and about again. In order to solve the new mystery I put on my coat, and slammed the door pretending to leave but simply hid around the corner and watched what he would do. And behold, there was my four legged friend using the holes in the diamond pattern of the fence mesh as slots to poke his paws through in order to climb up and over. To this day I am convinced that this dog had special ops training.
About a year or so later, Edward convinced me to purchase another dog so that Kibo would not be lonely when we were gone. Lonely? Hell, for all we knew, he was leaving the apartment while we were at work and having kibble keggers with the neighbor dogs. Returning to the breeder from whom we purchased Kibo, we then purchased a rare tri-color Japanese Chin. The breed comes in black and white or red and white but this one had all three colors. We pondered over name choices and then Edward found out about a co-worker's great uncle who was in World War I, was a diver, a big game hunter and a merchant marine. A classic movie style adventurer. So, the new puppy was named "Cosmo." A few months later, Sharon, the co-worker and her husband came over for dinner and when Edward told her that our dog was named after her uncle she replied, "are you referring to my Uncle Cyril? Cause I didn't have an Uncle Cosmo.

And that is why our second dog was officially named after - nobody.

Part II

Over the years and after we had moved back to California, the puppies were a great joy to us, especially as a balance to the trials and tribulations of Edward's fading health. Two days before Christmas, 8 years ago, we lost Kibo due to heart failure, unware before then that he had a heart condition. It was devastating to Edward and I. I insisted that we would not get another dog because i was a stay at home caregiver for Edward and could, in no way take on the task of retraining another puppy. With the loss of Kibo, Cosmo's health was closely check and he was put on heart medications. Eventually the number of pills increased and at one point Cosmo and Edward took three of the very same heart medications. We had a running joke that I would know if I gave Edward the wrong pills if I found him rubbing his but on the carpet.
About once a year Cosmo had to spend a few night's at the vet in order to address water build up and kidney problems. In December of 2006 he I was admitted to the hospital with Diverticulitis with majory surger 3 days later during the time of another of Cosmo's vet stays. 10 days later I came home the same day Cosmo was being released after for his second vet stay over those ten days. He hadn't been eating and was vomitting but was being released without much improvement. As a matter of fact, I was told not to expect too much and that he might not survive the week. Because I'm stubborn or don't believe in the word no, I spent much of those next five days on my hands and knees, with 38 surgery staples in my abdomen, hand feeding Cosmo with an eye dropper of apple juice. On the fifth day, he finally ate a little solid food, and more that night and we rejoiced in signs of improvement despite being to expect the worse. After all, back in 1992 Edward was given only two years to, as the doctor put it "put your affairs in order." it was a bit confusing because Eward wasn't having any affairs and neither was I. :0)
Cosmo made it through but 4 weeks later Edward was in the hospital and as you know, died a few months later. To this day I belive fate intervened to allow Cosmo to stay with me and comfort me through the grieving period. Staying on top of his health issues, adding more meds and seeing the vet about once a month was productive. But with 5 different pills twice a day for a dog that had become a finicky eater was a challenge to say the least. Almost every day was a test to find what what type of food Cosmo might find appealing that day. Canned food never interested him so it was --- will he eat the turkey lunch meat, cheddar cheese, spam, scrambled eggs, ham, tuna salad, peanut butter, cottage cheese, vienna sausages, and more. Once I found a food that he'd taste and then eat it was a matter of taking small pieces of it and hidding the pills inside. Just my luck, I'd prep all the food with pills in it and then he'd change his mind and wasn't interested.
In December he went back to a new vet for new concerns, skin rash and increased coughing. The vet added another heart drug and though the coughing seemed to subside a bit, it was still pronounced. as weeks went by, he went back and forth to the vet, the vet ER clinic and finally to the UC Davis Veterinary clinic. Then, Eureka a new hope. The cardiologist at UC Davis said that on a 6 scale, Cosmo's heart was only a 2 and he didn't need to be on all those heart pills. WOW, I didn't need to spend $168 a month on dog medication. I told Cosmo that with the money we'd save I'd take him to Disneyland. As the cardiologist didn't have an explanation for the coughing she theorized that maybe all the heart drugs had caused some iritation to his throat and wanted me to return and see internal medicine in two weeks.
The following Friday the coughing had increased to the point of waking me up many times throughout the night but most of all, my worry was the lack of improvement. I took Cosmo to a new and different vet (due to bill and refill errors I encountered with the prior vet). She though his heart murmur sounded more pronounced than the UC davis reports described from earlier in the week. She perscribed another cough medicine and urged me to get another appointment with UC Davis Internal Veterinary Medicine asap instead of waiting another week as previously told. We went back the following Monday and I was shocked to learn that Cosmo was in both kidney failure and heart failure and needed to be admittted. I should have known better. I should have known that a tumultuous emotional roller coast ride would never end so easily. And now to discover, a hole in the tracks. The Vet (another one) explained that there was still hope and we'd know more after seeing if Cosmo responded to a series of treatment and medications. He remained there until Wednesday and was released with a positive diagnosis. That perspective continued when we returned on Friday even though he had distinct tissue swelling on his right side and bruising on his belly. It was attributed to the side he was sleeping on since he was sleeping a lot since coming home.
On Saturday, February 7th, Cosmo would eat and though having been finicky for so long, I had to force pills down his throat for the very first time. I noticed that he was restless, wouldn't lay down and would just stand in the middle of the room. By 11am I noticed that his breath was becoming increased, much like our Kibo had experienced those 8 years ago. After two months of gut wrenching fear that the end was approaching and in the wake of over $5000 in vet bills, 7 different doctors at 5 different practices, Cosmo was failing. We were sinking and my bucket of determination was full of holes. I wrapped Cosmo in a blanket and driving with one hand while rubbing his ears with my other, to comfort him as much as possible, we returned to UC Davis Veterinary. Through the 20 minute drive I felt I would be making the return trip home - alone. Yet one more vet to ad to the list, took Cosmo to an exam room and returned shortly thereafter to say that Cosmo was in complete heart failure. I asked him to stop his suffering which would take away my cherished friend and child of 14 years. My Cosmo he stayed with me 2 more years longer that he was destined. My little furball who comforted me over those lonely months since Edward passed, is gone.

Disaster Before 2012

Who's making that sound? Is that someone in drunken discomfort outside my window or the odd yelping of a lonely but penned up dog. Uncertain of it's source or direction I opened the patio door to seek more clues. Louder but not human, sharper but not canine, though it echoed from above. As moonlight was nowhere to be found, my eyes focused toward the approaching noise. Auwmph, paumph, waumph, waump, haump .... honk. Yes, Definitely a honk. Certainly it is a flock of Canadian Geese (since I'm 1/2 mile from the Sacramento river) which is a normal. Being almost midnight it was surely a flock of alcoholic Canadian Geese on their way to their Canadian Club. But pulling the skins over my eardrums taut I knew it wasn't geese, Canadian or otherwise. Scanning the horizon I made out the outline of the towering redwoods and between the bare branches of the surrounding deciduous trees and there was the massive sky herd. A flock of at least 50-60 long necked white cranes/egrets (whatever). I've seen them along the river and through the delta all my life but I've got to say, NEVER have I seen a flock of this many. I couldn't help but be reminded of disaster movies when herds of animals and flocks of birds are shown rushing away from the approaching threat. Was it an approaching storm, an explosion, a fire or just another Will Smith movie? I turned on the news to see if there were any announcements I should be aware of, but nothing but another Peanut Butter scare report on CNN. I might be in the central great valley but tsunamis can certainly pour through from the Bay Area and up into the delta. If I post again, you will know that the asteroid missed my house and Bruce Willis saved the day.