Sunday, March 29, 2009

April Entertainment News

It's time to hit the couch. HBO's hit series In Treatment, starring Gabriel Byrne as Dr. Paul Weston, returns this month but with a changed schedule. Rather than a new episode each night of the work week, HBO will air two back to back episodes on Sunday night followed by three back to back episodes on Monday evening so you better adjust your DVRs or this could be the time to finally learn how to use it. As expected, this season of In Treatment will bring new clients for Dr. Weston including John Mahoney (The Broken Hearts Club,) Allison Pill (who played Anne Kronenberg in the film Milk) with Michelle Forbes (True Blood) and Dianne Weist (The Birdcage) reprising their roles from last season. *** Weist will also appear in Rage, a drama written and directed by Sally Porter featuring Jude Law (The Talented Mr. Ripley), John Leguizamo (To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything Julie Newmar), Eddie Izzard (The Riches) and Steve Buscemi (Parting Glances.) *** With the number of Gay people involved in the sequel to Hairspray, it should be called "Hair As Folk." So far the project is called Hairspray 2: White Lipstick, and is being written by John Waters, with music by Marc Shaiman under the direction of Adam Shankman. This is a re teaming as all three worked on the original Hairspray. Holiday movie goers helped make Shankman's Bedtime stories, starring Adam Sandler, a hit but more importantly he also directed the web sensation Proposition 8: the Musical which effectively addresses the hypocrisy of California voters who supported Proposition 8.
John Travolta had previously given Shankman the thumbs up on returning for the Hairspray sequel but with the recent tragic death of his son Jett, the role of Edna Turnblad could be written out. Shankman has confirmed that Michelle Pfeifer will not be returning as the creative team have plans for a new nemesis. Here's an idea, I hear Condaleeza Rice is searching for work. Look for the musical to open in 2010. ***
No shock on my face to learn the the Australian stage production of High School Musical closed 4 weeks early. As I've suffered High School Musical overload to most of my senses I would like to propose, after High School Musical 1, 2 & 3, that if Disney greenlights another sequel, it must be titled - High School Musical 4 - Dummies. ' On the subject of over marketing, The Hannah Montana movie opens this month and it could be the campiest film of the year. In addition to star Miley Cyrus and her former mullet king, dad Billy Ray the cast includes, Vanessa Williams (Ugly Betty), Tyra Banks (America's Next Top Model), Vicki Lawrence (Mama's Family), Barry Bostwick (Brad from the Rocky Horror Picture Show) and if that wasn't enough - Dolly Parton. Give it 6 months and Netflix will be offering a two for one special, if you rent The Hannah Montana Movie you get the Jonas Brothers in 3-D movie for free. ***
Keir Gilchrist, the Gay son, Marshall, on Showtime's The United States of Tara, joins his costar from that series Brie Larson, for the film Just Peck. A Brie of a different kind also joins the ensemble with Marcia Cross ( Bree on Desperate Housewives) as Gilchrist's very strict mother. The plot follows a teen who's overbearing parents force him to enter the Science Fair. Poor Keir, goes from one dweeb role to another. What's next, the sequel to Napoleon Dynamite? ***
Dragonball: Evolution, the live action film version of the Dragonball Z animated series opens April 8th. Justin Chatwin (War of the Worlds) stars as Goku, the hero destined to defend the Earth by locating the 7 powerful Dragonballs. And you thought Dragons only had two? The magical orbs grant endless power in order to defeat the evil Lord Piccolo played by James Marsters.Just wait till you see HIS weapons of mass destruction. Though a familiar face to fans of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, and Smallville, Marsters added to his cult fan followers when he played the former love interest of Capt. Jack Harkness on the hit UK series Torchwood. *** A fascinating ensemble is found in the May 1st opening of X-Men Origins: Wolverine. The first in what is intended to be a series of X-Men movie prequels, covering the early days of the film trilogy's most popular characters. Hugh Jackman returns in the title role with Ryan Reynolds (Blade: Trinity) as Deadpool, Liev Schreiber (The Manchurian Candidate) as the young Sabretooth, Dominic Monaghan (Lost) as Beak, Taylor Kitsch (Friday Night Lights) as Gambit, the 6' 6" Kevin Durand (Smokin Aces) as the Blob, Lynn Collins (True Blood) as Silver Fox and from the Blackeyed Peas Will I. Am as John Wraith. ***
Here comes a Xena Warrior Princess reunion of sorts on the new action thriller web series called Angel of Death starring Zoe Bell. What? You say that the name of Zoe Bell doesn't ring one for you? Why everyone over 40, who lives in their parent's basement, spends most of their time with computer games, who only get out of the house for Star Wars conventions and greet others with the Vulcan, Live long and prosper hand salute knows who Zoe Bell is. Since I'm not in my 40s and my parents didn't have a basement, I'll go ahead and enlighten you. Zoe Bell was the longtime stunt double for Lucy Lawless on the series Xena Warrior Princess. The reunion aspect comes from the fact that one of Bell's costars will be Ted Raimi who not only played Joxer on the Xena series but is the brother of the show's executive producer Sam Raimi. And if that's not enough to satisfy Xena fans, the warrior princess herself will appear in the role of Vera. ***
The lawsuit, delaying the latest season of Project Runway, continues, between Bravo and the Lifetime Cable Channel. Host, Heidi Klum has asked fans to organize protests at the home of uber producer Harvey Weinstein, blaming him for the delay. Though still now premiere dates for the 6th season, former Project Runway contestant Kenley Collins was arrested in Brooklyn a couple weeks ago. The bratty designer was charged with assault against her ex-fiance which stems from her attacking him with a lap top computer and her cat. Yes, you read that right, her own BFF - Best Feline Forever. Clearly, Ms. Collins misunderstood her mother's relationship advice which told her daughter, "Whenever you think you might be loosing your man, just show him your pussy!"

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Earth Hour 2009

In case you haven't read your newspaper in the past week, this Saturday is the Global Vote Earth campaign event in which people are asked to participate in an international effort to show their vote of concern for the planet Earth by turning off their lights for one hour starting at 8:30pm. Among the list of businesses, corporations and individuals participating in the event are Hustler magazine publisher, Larry Flynt, who plans to turn everything off at his LA headquarters for those 60 minutes. When power is returned the building will vibrate for one additional hour. Continuing efforts to go green, Flynt will begin selling biodegradable marital aids.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Dumb Ones and Dragons

This years edition of Dancing with the Stars has really taken a toll on celebrity performers. Jewell dropped out due to a fractured tibiae, Jack-ass star Steve-O hurt his back and Steve Wozniak (founder of Apple computers) fractured his foot. I'm mostly disappointed about the Woz because I was waiting for his rendition of a - "Laptop dance." :0) At this rate of injury, Elizabeth Taylor can pretty much qualify as a contestant.***
Former Vice Presidential candidate and Alaska Governor Sarah Palin's daughter, Bristol, has stated that she and her baby-daddy, Levi Johnston, "could reunite but would remain apart as friends, for now." In an interview that aired on ABC's Good Morning America, Bristol also said that it could be a sunny day unless it gets cloudy, that she would be hungry until she ate something and that new baby Tripp, would be stinky until she changed his diaper. I never fail to be moved by Palin family wisdom. *** On April 5th, Sutter Medical Center of Sacramento will display a 20 foot long and 8 feet high inflatable plastic colon. The U-shaped pink and red display will allow people to walk through and experience examples of polyps and cancerous lesions up close. Who said there is nothing to do in the Capital city? The hospital expects some negative reactions but it will be nothing compared to the May display of two giant helium inflated testicles which will celebrate 'Turn-Your-Head and Cough week. ***
From the competitors of the Franklin Mint, I recently received brochure from the Hamilton Collection for --- Poker Playing Dragons - the collectible figure set. I'm not making this up. Yes indeedy, for years you always wondered what to buy your friends who were fantasy gaming, Renaissance Faire going, dogs playing poker art collectors and here it is. ***
I was more than surprised by a recent time magazine article by NBA star Kobe Bryant, titled 'How To Improve Your Game.' Apparently Time magazine's editor didn't see the irony that the player who was once accused of rape, turned in a piece which is divided into three sections titled "#1 - Shooting, #2 - Defense and #3 - Foul Shot. To make things worse, the subheadings below #1 - Shooting, are Grip-it, But don't palm it, and Then Rip it. I'm going to e-mail, Sigmund Freud and get his reaction. ***

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Courtrooms and Cologne

Anna Nicole Smith's former lawyer, boyfriend and drug dealer, Howard K. Stern will be in court on May 15th and facing up to five years in prison. But the biggest scare is that sitting in the front row, plans to be Anna's former interior designer and friend Bobby Trendy. While I strongly believe that cameras should be allowed in courtrooms, Bobby Trendy should not. Especially in the front row. I mean, how are people behind him going to see through his over sized, sequined on leather with ostrich feather hat. Besides, are you supposed to wear ostrich feathers BEFORE Memorial Day? *** As we get closer to the May 8th release of the revamped version of Star Trek, a Maryland company will release fragrances inspired by the iconic sci fi series and film franchise. Among the aroma choices are 'Tiberius,' which is influenced by the character of James T. Kirk, 'Boldly Go,' features vanilla and sandalwood and 'Pon Farr' referring to a Vulcan mating ritual combines the scents of musk and leather. If successful, I expect the company, called Genki Wear, can release a line of perfumes that announce a person is single and wants to mingle. They could use names like "Klingon To Me,' 'Khan't Say No,' 'Wanna See My Shuttle Bay,' and 'Phasers on Stunning.' *** After Kelloggs severed ties with bong using Olympian Michael Phelps, the donated nearly two tons of corn flake boxes featuring Phelp's image to a San Francisco food bank. What? A Berkeley food bank would have been much more appropriate. Responding to press inquiries, a spokesman for the food bank stated "Our clients are more interested in what's inside the box." Of course they did, each box contained a 50% off coupon for Woody Harrelson's line of Hemp clothing. Clearly, Phelp's popularity has diminished. A recent episode of 60 Minutes, featuring Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke brought in 12.9 million viewers while opposite it on NBC, the Dateline NBC episode featuring Michael Phelps only had a third of that audience. Not surprising. Many Phelps fans find it hard to work a TV remote control with a roach clip. ***

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Give Em What They Want

Since the ignorant religious right believes there is a Gay agenda to indoctrinate children into the homosexual lifestyle I say, let's not disappoint them. We've got Gay networks with LOGO and HERE TV, let's get some Gay programming for kids. How about shows like...

Johnny Quest-tioning Youth
Analmaniacs
He-man and the Masters
South Porked
Family Gay
Spongebob Tightpants
Sesame Street Hustler
Mister Rogers Bathouse
Rocky and Bulldyke
Curious George - Michael
I Wish I Knew How To Quit You Charlie Brown

and of course...
Yogi the Bear

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Pet Peeve at the Movies

Spring is here and that means one thing. Kids will be out of school soon and I refuse to go to the movies during that time. Screaming babies are one thing but the worst movie going plague has to be tweens and teens and their inane conversations. The fact that they act like they are the only ones in the theatre and that no one else can hear them defies logic. OK, so the words teens and logic are self-cancelling but you get my point. No matter how hard I try or what type of medication I use, I have absolutely no patience with them. How can anyone tolerate the constant harping of "stop hitting me," "I didn't want diet coke," "don't eat it all," "I don't want to be this close" and that's just from my dates.
What I don't understand is why, when a theatre is 90% empty, why or why do three Miley Cyrus fans have to sit in the aisle directly in front of me? Using the cell phone is bad enough but ad twitter to their constant twitter. Those brief messages of life and death issues like "Suzie won't got to Terrie's party unless you go." or "Sandy says you're a retard." Three steps up the ladder of the movie annoyances list are those who answer the phone during the movie. Then make it worse by answering with "Oh, nothing, what are YOU doing?' I'm the one heard in the background yelling "He's at the movies making out with YOUR girlfriend!" And worse than that was a recent conversation I had to suffer through, "Well, Suzie said Billy was definitely going to get me that ankle bracelet we saw at the mall, for our 3 month anniversary and if it plays his cards right, I might let him have more than just a piece of my birthday cake and I'm talking a piece WITH a rose on it." Golly, and I use to like dessert.
Not being one who focuses on vengeance, I simply kicked started the karma flow and opened my own cell phone and hit a few buttons as if dialing a number. Waiting a few seconds I then spoke into it and said, loudly enough for the Malibu Barbies in front of me to hear. "Hi honey, are the kids home? Good, then tell Billy I'll loan him that $200 for that girl's ankle bracelet but ONLY if he promises to go to the clinic to get a shot for the constant drip problem."

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Don't need a prescription for an Anagram

I was looking around the anagram section of the website at http://www.wordsmith.org/ and found some interesting results for rearranged names of friends (last names ommitted to protect the innocent.) My nephew Steven comes up with Tats Due Ever (and he has Tattoos) or A Turd See Vet. My friend Sharon gets Moaner Splash, Reed gets Beer Dryer, Cecilio's full name ends up as Coca cuisine loin, Nicole gets Clone Lite On, Sara's name comes back as Safari Red and Babak gets Saki and hobbies which is pretty much how he spends his weekends. But what did I come up for Nathaniel Grey? --- Why, The Rainy Angel of course. *** It has been announced that George W. Bush will write a book focused on the 12 toughest decisions of his 8 year presidency. I expect that list of twelve to include choosing Budweiser over whiskey, waffles or pancakes, taping Letterman or taping Leno, boxers or briefs or turning them inside out, on referring to his need to use a bathroom as Airforce number one and airforce number two, and whether or not to say NO to Dick Cheney.*** People don't get my humor. I was the bank cashing a check the teller asked "and what demonination? and I said "Catholic but I really don't go to church." While she stared at me like a deer in headlights the teller next to her laughed hysterically. It makes no difference what business I'm at, even fast food workers are clueless. I was at a Del Taco yesterday and after placing my order I asked the girl, "Is Del working today?" Again, the blank stare of a DMV employee. ***

Monday, March 16, 2009

It's In The News

Just when you think there could be nothing scarier than the Octomom and her addiction to irresponsible breeding, comes news that Anne Heche has given birth to another child. Having left the man she hooked up with after breaking up with Ellen DeGeneres, Heche is now with James Tupper, her newest "long term" relationship. Apparently, Tupper is the father, unless someone from Heche's home planet files suit for a paternity test. *** And if this isn't the best example of how living well is the best revenge, in the wake of the former Heche/DeGeneres relationship, on today's Ellen show, she will be interviewing her wife, Portia de Rossi, who debuts in her own new sitcom later this week. ***
Bringing into question, the apparent de-evolution of my fellow man, is an article from last week's Sacramento News & Review. The regular segment, Streetalk, asked a group of average joes and janes, the same question. "What are you superstitious about?" was answered by Mark - Video store employee, with "I have something about fog. Whenever fog comes out, I become a little more cautious than usual." That's not superstitious you idiot, it's called driving safely. Talking about driving, one of the other answers came from Lexy - a student, who replied "Bad omens really stick out to me. One night, I was driving with friends, and we were supposed to make a turn. We had noticed in the turn lane there was an abandoned car with nobody in it, so I was pretty freaked out." Abandoned cars freak her out? Has this girl never driven through Bakersfield? Then, the wacko award winner was Susie Q - Clerk who stated "I have no idea why, but ever since my grandmother died a few yeas ago, I started finding dimes wherever I went. Maybe she's sending me a sign. or some extra change, but they're always there." OK. That's ridiculous! Everybody knows that the spirit world leaves signs with quarters. ***
Three women were arrested and six injured when a riot broke out in New York, among Tyra Banks wannabees waiting to audition for the reality show, America's Next Top Model. Chaos erupted when it was discovered that a candidate near the front of the line was eating carbs. ***

Saturday, March 14, 2009

The Half Century Mark

So I scooped the local paper, by writing about Barbie's 50th birthday, previously in my blog. The article in yesterday's Sacramento Bee listed some trivia facts about the 11 1/2" fashion doll. Among them were such facts as that she cost $3 in 1959 and only $5 today. That she has four sisters and has had more than 50 pets over this half decade. FIFTY PETS? Somehow I thought Barbie would set a better example as a pet owner. I guess Mattel forgot to create the fashion pet food and water bowl. But the best thing about the article is the quote from my friend Alex who details his youthful experience with G.I. Joe and Barbie. His boyish wargames featured Barbie as the Mata Hari while Midge had to be the nurse. Alex has over 200 Barbies and had to come OUT of the closet in order to make room for them.*** It seems that the Keeping-up-with-the-Joneses trend on Talk shows giveaways, is following the economic (Bushism) downtrend. The fad of bigger is better, started with Oprah giving out cars to audience members wasn't the case in last night's Jimmy Fallon in which the entire audience were wearing complimentary Snuggies. Over on CBS, the David Letterman show is giving out the Sham-wow and on radio, Dr. Laura is just giving people headaches and Rush Limbaugh is giving out refills. ***
An audience member was attacked at last week's Miami Beach rap performance of former actor Joaquin Phoenix. But the agressive culprit was the performer himself, who's patience had run out in the wake of the fan's incessant heckling. Phoenix, who appeared on stage 4 hours late and mumbled through the alledged "performance," was actually surprised that an audience member could be annoyed. After exchanging words with the self appointed critic, Phoenix responded "I've got a million dollars in my f***ing bank account, what the f*** have you got?" I hate when people quote Bernie Madoff. Phoenix leapt into the crow to tussle with the impatient man while the crowed chanted, "Joa-quin! Joa-quin!" Later they were put on a bus and taken to a taping of the Jerry Springer show.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Read Between the Lines

Former Illionois Governor, Rod Blagojevich has signed a six-figure deal with Phoenix books for a work that promises to expose "the dark side of politics." When released, the book will cost $24.95 but those who purchase it will also have send Blagojevich a payment of $100 a year for the rest of his life. *** 3 New Jersey children, ages 1 - 3, were taken into custody after concern for their welfare came to light at a supermarket. The markets bakery refused a cake order request which was to feature the oldest child's name, which is - Adolf Hitler Campbell. The younger siblings are named Joycelynn Aryan Nation Campbell and Honzlynn Hinler Jeannie. The children's grandfather, Jeffrey Dahlmer Idi Amin, could not be reached for comment. *** A catalog from the Great Courses Teaching Company, which sells discs of courses to listen to in your car, arrived today. Inside was a sample CD of a course titled "Einstein's Relativity and the Quantum Revolution." If this company was so smart, they'd included a complimentary bottle of Mountain Dew to help the driver stay awake while listening to the CD. *** Bad business franchise idea of the month - Tapioca Express. Now explain how one eats old fashioned runny tapioca when on the go? I bet this concept comes from the people who created Frozen Taffy, Soup on a Stick and Pickled Catfish Burgers. *** A father in the California coastal town of Greenfield, has been arrested for arranging for his 14-year-old daughter to marry an 18-year-old neighbor in exchange for $16,000, 100 cases of beers and several cases of meat. The incident came to light when the father, 36 year-old Marcelino de Jesus Martinez went to the police seeking help in reclaiming his daughter because he had not been paid. Martinez was unaware, that since leaving his home country, the price of a 14 year-old girl had gone up by 75 cases of beer and a box of pork rinds. ***

Monday, March 2, 2009

Malibu Birthday

In honor of Barbie's 50th anniversary on March 9th, women the world over will be having their nipples and pubic hair removed. OK, maybe not but Mattel is asking women to not bend their knees or elbows for the entire day. Their is a rumor that, to celebrate the occasion, the toy company will be releasing a special commemorative Ashton Kutcher Ken doll. Pre-orders are currently being taken for this Summer's release of the AARP Barbie. ***
From the file, marked 'Things that make you go, Huh???' the recent edition of the "Get Motivated Business Seminar' held in Sacramento, featured among speakers Colin Powell and Steve Forbes, Olympic gold medalist - Michale Phelps. His topic? How to Sharpen Your Competitive Edge. Yeah, sharpen like a razor blade on a mirror table at Studio 54. Next you'll see Michael replace Courtney Love as the host of the comedy central roast of Robert Downey Jr. It has been reported that Michael's training diet consists of about 12,000 calories a day. How many Twinkies is that? *** Latest joke about the Octomom. In honor of her love for children, Denny's is featuring a breakfast special that comes 14 eggs, one sausage and the government pays for it. ***
I just saw the catalog for the April 22-25 auction of Michael Jackson memorabilia. Among the items up for bid are assorted costumes, a sequined covered glove, a self lubricating glove, a vibrating glove and an inflatable glove. *** A recent news article about the breakdown of social morals in Great Britain, focused on the startling story of teen parents, 15-year-old Chantelle and her 13-year-old baby daddy - Alfie. But before you can say 'What's it all about, Alfie?' The boy's father and Baby Granddaddy has stated that he plans to sit down with Alfie and have the birds and the bees conversation before another polliwog of fertilization can swim upstream. How reassuring, AFTER THE FACT! The good news is that Alfie is dedicated to help raise the child so that the two of the can go skate boarding together. British politician, Sir Bernard Ingham stated "It's an indication that we've lost our way, that people don't know the difference between right and wrong." Hell, I've known that since the first Spice Girls album. ***

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Ah, The Joys of Education

As most people know, one of my jobs is teaching traffic school on weekends. Some may consider it more of a sentencing or punishment but that's what my ankle bracelet is for. No, it's not a court monitoring system, I bought it on QVC from the Martha Stewart jewelry line. Just don't tell Joan Rivers that she lost a customer. I've been teaching for the same company, Improv Comedy Traffic School, despite plummeting business and attendance, for going on 9 years and still enjoy it. At our jobs, we rarely get paid what we're worth and receive less appreciation and compliments than we deserve. Yet I find great reward at the end of an 8 hour class, having exhausted myself speaking about traffic laws and defensive driving maneuvers, when 12 - 15 people out of 20 give me a round of applause. Is it because they're thrilled that it's over, sure, but remember these people came in with resentment for having received a traffic ticket, don't want to be there for 8 hours and have a chip on the shoulder that screams "OK you SOB, make me laugh!" But in addition to great response and the applause, the icing on the cake comes from those who come up and shake my hand or refer friends and family members to my future classes.
I've encountered a number of adult students who have sent their teenage child, who have yet to get their driver's license, to my class with hope of their becoming a better than average teen driver. Tooting my own horn, yeah, but it is such a thrill to know that you are making a difference in the world. Plus there is the purely selfish joy of telling them to turn their stereos down when they drive past my house. It's not unusual to find a parent and son/daughter in my class. As was the case yesterday when I learned of how the son got his first ticket (illegal U-Turn) barely 5 months after getting his license and then the mother got her ticket for SPEEDING (15 over) two weeks after the son got his violation. And that was the day her son invented the neener neener parents aren't perfect dance. Which is not to be confused with the - Neener Neener Told You So dance performed by most parents.
Of course there are always the one or two students that can not reached without the aid of forceps and a lobotomy procedure app downloaded to my I-phone. There is usually one who wants to argue with every point you make. "But that's not fair!" "That's an invasion of privacy" or "They can't do that without cause." How about just not breaking the law and you won't have to be inconvenienced by law enforcement??? I've encountered at least one from every species imaginable of the excuse givers. The denial-aphiles with excuse like"you can't ticket me for going the wrong way down a one way street because I was only going one way." "I was just going the flow of traffic" even though the traffic is "flowing" at 80mph and breaking the speed limit. Or one of my favorites from a guy who went through a flashing red light without stopping - "I went through when it was off!"
Yet there are always those who will not learn, as was blatantly exemplified to me at yesterdays class. Five minutes after I dismissed the group for lunch, I finished gathering up my supplies and headed out of the hotel and into the parking lot. Approaching my car I was puzzled to see a white mazda double parked behind a silver excursion. As I got closer I noticed that the passenger side of the Mazda was smashed in from the SUV having backed into it and each driver was standing next to their vehicle on their cell phones. My next thought was, "too bad these people weren't benefiting from being in my class," but on closer examination I realized - the WERE my students. Believe it or not, I was a good boy and did not cave into temptation by uttering the words "Somebody wasn't paying attention in class." With that said I'd like to go on the record my saying, the fact that two of my students had a car accident when the class was only half over should in no way reflect negatively upon my teaching skills.