How Much Is That Daughter In The Window

OK, not that I need anything else to make me feel older but I wish I didn't know that the Ellen Degeneres TV talk show has been on the air 6 years this week. WOW! *** Ah to be young again is not exactly in my vocabulary after reading that the father of 9-year-old Slumdog Millionaire star Rubina Ali who has been accused of trying to sell her to a wealthy couple in Dubai. Which is just horrifying news. Did this guy never hear of Madonna? The father, Rafiq Qureshi used the excuse "we got nothing out of this film!" and blamed his brother Moiuddin who actually helped boost the original asking price from $75,000. Apparently the child's value went up after her family took for a free appraisal on the popular Southeast Asian TV show 'Batik Roadshow.' *** The Palm Beach area of Florida is being inundated with abandoned pets. Private pools often host iguanas that were once birthday gift, undeveloped land between condo high-rises are home to fluffy brown and white bunnies, peacocks wander freely from yard to yard and even the occasional former yellow Easter chick, grown into a large white chicken, wakes up residents in the early morning hours. To address this breeding frenzy, communities have implemented new and stricter pet adoptions laws. To deal with the most dangerous of the critter infestation is a law that requires anyone buying a python to purchase a $100 annual permit and to have a microchip implanted in the serpent. Some sources will allow the purchase of a more expensive chip that upon death of the snake will become a belt buckle. This allows the owner to sell the carcass as a fashion accessory and re-coupe their licensing fees. ***

Hypocarps

USA Today reports that officials in the state of Utah are embarking on the country's largest Carp removal project, ever. Apparently carp feed on the bottoms of lakes and destroy vegetation that provides shelter for fish called, June suckers. Wait a minute isn't that what Utah conservatives call Gay People during pride month? Since they're worried about Carp removal, in the wake of the Mormon's church's illegal funding for the yes on California's Proposition 8 campaign, let's start a Utah CRAP removal project. *** I don't know why so many people are alarmed by the news that one kid out of every four children in the United States is obese. Obviously, the fat kid in each group, eats up all the food while the other four don't get any. *** The president of Pakistan's says that his intelligence agencies believe Osama bin Laden may be dead, yet also stated that there is no proof. But others, including additional Pakistani officials and a U.S. counter terrorism official believe that the al-Qaida chief is alive. Upon further investigation, it has come to light that the Pakistani leader also believes that cracking your knuckles will give you arthritis and that you should wait one hour, after eating, before getting back into a pool but that that it's perfectly OK if you dive in sooner. ***

Is the Flu Virus, God's Creature?

As international concern grows over the swine flu outbreak in Mexico, where the public is walking around wearing protective masks, I was wondering. What happens when the swine flu infects a Muslim or a Jew??? When they develop a vaccine, will it be kosher? *** A Pew Research Center study shows significant changes in what Americans view as must-have items, today versus three years ago. Such changes were seen as, 21% fewer people see a microwave as a necessity. 17% less consider a clothes dryer as a household requirement, and the number of folks who can't live without a dishwasher went down by 14%. Ironically, the percentage of those who viewed cell phones and computers as must-haves, did not change. Are you as surprised as I am? OK, raise your hands. How many thought that the Pew Research Center did studies on perfume? ***
On a similar note, I have concluded a study from my own foundation which I call the P U Research Center. The results of my unfunded and totally partial study has shown a striking change in parenting skills over the last thirty years. Unlike when I was a kid, an alarming number of parents don't care if their kids take nude photos of themselves and send them over their cell phone, have no idea where their kids are at any time of day, have never taught their children the phrase "indoor voice," and think joint custody is sharing marijuana with their kids. ***

Olympics are special

Catching up on recent episodes of HBO's Real Time with Bill Maher, I loved his joke about Barak Obama's recent appearance on Jay Leno in which the President compared his bowling skills to those of a special Olympics athlete. Bill added "The special Olympians and people with down syndrome have actually bowled a perfect 300 game. Which goes to prove what I've always believed - Bowling is retarded!" *** 64-year-old actress, Mia Farrow is on a hunger strike to draw attention to the war-torn suffering people of Darfur. As a waifish, Dickens street urchin figure of a woman all her life, the question remains, how can we really tell WHEN she's not eating? *** ABC has decided to revive the night time edition of Who Want's To Be A Millionaire, complete with host Regis Philbin. Though if the network was socially and economically sensitive, they'd call it, Who Want's To Have A Salary? ***

To Seek New Life and ....,

Amazingly detailed photos of Saturn, it's rings and surrounding moons, have been released to the press by NASA. Taken by the Cassini explorer spacecraft, the craft has exceeded expectations of it's original 4 years mission and may last through to 2010. NASA has hopes for in depth photos of Uranus that should arrive from the spacecraft Proctology 3 in late September. *** Scary looking governor Bobby Jindal has contracted to write a book. If he goes with an autobiography, it should be called "Stop Staring, I'm Not a Cadaver." *** A 53 year old former schooteacher is raising eyebrows as she runs for political office in India. Even before Indira Ghandi became a politician, women have held leadership roles but what is controversial, even today, is that she hails from the Dalits, a group formerly known as the "Untouchables" class. Before I looked it up, I thought it meant that Elliot Ness was her father. Americans are often shocked by news of a country with such archaic class systems but seem to forget that we have the same thing in the good ol US of A. It's called "Place of Birth: West Virgina."

The First Pet

I guess it's supposed to be good news that the Obama's have finally brought a new dog into the White House. The bad news is what type of dog - it's Amy Winehouse! *** Shocking news that Denise Richards won her fight with ex Charlie Sheen to be able to feature her daughters in the second season of her E! reality TV show. I say "shocking" in response to the news that there WILL be a second season. *** The trend toward "healthier" fast food continues. KFC has announced a new line of food called KGC which stands for Kentucky GRILLED Chicken. Cultural differences will require a different promotional campaign In branches around the world. In China, the product will be referred to as KMSG, in Russian it is called KGB and in Lesbian bars it's referred to as kd Lang.

Deadly Children

With all the recent disturbing news about Somali pirates and the international terror they are causing, I am expecting some type of re-branding effort to occur in defense of what will shortly be defined as Sea Faring Opportunists. Don't be surprised, after all, the guys standing at the entrance to a Home Depot store who came here illegally are simply "undocumented," graffiti vandals are now called "Taggers" and the girl who had unprotected sex with some guy she barely knows, dubs him "baby daddy." Today's news brings a report that now the Pirates have captured four ships and took more than 60 crew members hostage.
The ocean terrorists have vowed revenge for the deaths of 3 fellow thugs at the hands of U.S. snipers who aided in the rescue of Capt. Richard Phillips, as well as for two others who were killed by French forces in another recent rescue. One Sea-E-O, speaking for the pirates, said "Our latest hijackings were meant to show that no one can deter us from protecting our waters from the enemy because we believe in dying for our land." Ok, give me this guys e-mail address so that I can write and explain to this doofus, YOU'RE on water you Idiot. Go back to land if you want to "protect" your land!" In another example of his MENSA qualifications, the guy told the Associated Press, by telephone. "The recent American operation, French navy attack on our colleagues or any other operation mean nothing to us." OK, so if it means "Nothing" to you, why are you vowing "revenge." ***
Clearly, stupidity isn't limited to the gulf area, as North Korea continues to exhibit the genius of a FEMA Director. In the wake of their recent boast of another missile test, which failed to reach orbit, their government has now expelled The International Atomic Energy Agency inspectors because the UN Security Council noticed and criticized that missile launch. Sure they pout, throw a tantrum and stomp home alone with their toys, but unfortunately, in this case, their toys are - Uranium. **

Meeting Edward

April 11th, 2009
was the 2nd anniversary of the death of my beloved Edward. The man who was my world for 22 years. In his honor, this is the story of how we met.


On Saturday, December 15th, 1984, a knight in shining armor entered a San Francisco shop called 'Headlines.' A shop employee, named Nathaniel, spotted the dashing Edward as he strolled through the gift ware department. Insisting his co-worker take her lunch first, Nathaniel secured the opportunity to meet and greet this man who would change his life. While providing the best possible customer service, Nathaniel learned that intelligence, heart and soul, were aligned in this 6'4" man with silver screen looks. And then fate allowed him to wonder, could this page from a fairytale be attracted to a simple 26 year old store clerk? The answer was found. Common interests were discovered, sense of humors were aligned and a sparkle in the eyes echoed between them. Though the minutes they shared seemed like hours, Edward chose his purchase. Another sign, it was Nathaniel's favorite piece of sculpture in the store. The image of a face gently kissing the hand of another. A classic, universal image without reference to gender and a reminder of ... possibilities.
The seconds passed fleetingly and the dreaded goodbye was at hand. Which fork in the river would this swan take? Would the two meet again? Nathaniel had been working on an upcoming art show for a friend, and urged Edward to attend and wrote the time, date and location on the back of his sales receipt. After an affirmed yes for attendance, the awkward adieu sent Edward out the store to catch his bus down Van Ness avenue. Loosing sight of him as he rounded the corner, Nathaniel rushed back into the store to locate Edward's full name and phone number off the charge draft.
The days passed and not nearly fast enough. On December 18Th, a large number of guests arrived at Atlas Savings and Loan building (the first Gay Bank in San Francisco) on the corner of Market and Duboce. Flowing past celebrity portraits, cocktails and refreshments, Nathaniel acted as host, introducing those previously unfamiliar with other guests, pairing off those with similar interest, all the while, scanning the crowd for the arrival of the one most eagerly awaited. The moment came and there was Edward focusing his emerald green eyes on a stunning portrait of Natalie Wood. But the duties of host restricted Nathaniel's movement as he had just introduced a local news photographer to a San Francisco supervisor. It took some time to identify their common interest and then he excused himself to seek his quest. Yet, the object he sought was gone. Searches of the upstairs balcony, rear hallways and side parking lot proved futile. The swan had flown and taken Nathaniel's heart with him.
Days and weeks passed. Nathaniel could not understand how the door of fate had closed so suddenly. The new year of 1985 arrived. Not one to make resolutions, Nathaniel vowed to find the missing prince who had fled the ball and failed to leave so much as a shoe behind. Searching through the phone book and numerous contacts to 411 information line, a number was located and a nervous hand dialed. What would he say, how would he answer? Would there be a dial tone after he did? Alas, no answer and the fears vanished. For the moment. Nathaniel grieved at having come so close to the soul mate of which we all aspire but to witness the potential vanish before him. On Wednesday, January 30th, Nathaniel made one last valiant attempt to reconnect with Edward. Why this date, why this time of day, why even bother again? There were no other answer save for a voice inside which whispered, "Do not give up!"
This time the ringing of the phone ended with a voice saying "Hello?" After bumbling an introduction and reminder of our first meeting, Edward warmed to the caller. Maybe it was the flattery of someone so persistent in tracking him down or perhaps it was the memory of Nathaniel's longing brown eyes. A date was made for the next evening, Thursday, January 31st. Edward was to meet Nathaniel at the street level entrance to the Castro/Market subway system. From there the two would head downtown and take a cable car up Powell Street to attend a play which Nathaniel was to review for a local paper. Nathaniel arrived at the designated meeting site, in time to witness the blankets of fog flow over twin peaks and down into the Eureka Valley. Nathaniel checked his watch and saw it was 7:10pm yet Edward was nowhere to be found. Waiting a few more minutes, he went to a pay phone and called Edward's number but no response. But why only a phone call? Well, it was 1985 and texting had yet to be invented. At 7:30pm Nathaniel debated as to whether to attend the production alone or return home to lick his emotional wounds. Close again and yet so very far. Remembering his obligation to review the play, he ran down the escalator to board the Muni Train which had just pulled up to the platform. Having virtually lept through the doors as they swiftly closed behind him, He glanced down the length of the train aisle only to gaze upon the face of Edward. Then they shared the curve of a smile as they silently observed the fateful coincidence. After sincerest apologies, Edward explained his delay and added that he was going to the theatre where he hoped to find Nathaniel. Nathaniel explained that only moments earlier, he was close to heading home and missing the play. The consequences would certainly have prevented the two from meeting again.
They evening went well, despite Edward's frequent trips to the men's room. It was eventually discovered the the fear of a bladder infection was actually Edward fear and disgust of blood. The play was Dracula and every moment of stage strewn plasma sent his stomach into upheaval and a run for the restroom for cold paper towel compress. The two and a half hours as audience members provided little time to talk and become better acquainted, yet the time after the show did. Upon the evening's conclusion, fear removed their abilities to say "goodbye" and Edward found the courage to say "Until tomorrow." Nathaniel remembers the sudden realization that this was a union meant to be. Edward realized his life was about to change. Over the following weeks, the two went out on dates almost every night. They presented quite the dashing couple at cabaret shows, films screenings, fundraisers and theatre performances all over the city by the bay. They persevered, overcame obstacles, grew closer as the years advanced and showed the world that fairy tales do come true.
In later years, Edward's health faded. They didn't live in a castle, were no longer seen at court functions and found the dragons a bit harder to slay. Yet, these two princes held such love for each other that poetry wallowed, roses faded and legends paled in comparison.
In 2007, five Weeks after Edward died Nathaniel wrote the following in his diary -
"It's going on five weeks and while voices of support have have used the cliche phrase of "it'll get better" I can only confirm that "it gets different. Today I only cried six times yet I find that the tears seem to come at the most unexpected moments. The first few weeks of sorting through his things, our things and surprising discoveries, there were the anticipated times of emotional overwhelm. Just when you think you are bit closer to the assemblage of a normal life, crashing down falls the glacier of protection you built around your heart. One morning I sat in Edward's closet, sorting through clothing, smelling his cologne on a shirt and savoring the aroma of his shampoo on a sweater. At the bottom of the closet I found a plastic container full of his expensive sweaters, many still holding tags marked Barney's, Bergdorfs, etc. On the bottom was an out-of-theme pair of faded blue jeans. Perplexed, I carefully lifted out of the container and noticed a piece of paper peaking out of the back pocket. As I unfolded it and read the handwritten words, the foundation of a healing heart was torn asunder once more. Upon the note were these words "The jeans I wore on my first date with Nathaniel - January 31st, 1986." Fortunately, there was a handkerchief in the other pocket.

Korean Missionaries in Space

Mormon church president Thomas S. Monson asked members not to be discouraged by others who malign or ridicule the church as it tries to hold fast to its moral values in modern times. I must say he's right, they should be discouraged by the members of their own church whose hypocrisy brings ridicule down around them. *** The recent Korean missile which was supposed to sending a Korean satellite into orbit, but fell into pieces and landed in the ocean, was declared a success by the government. I guess the fact it exploded in a giant fireworks display which spelled out the words "Kimchee's Tofu Palace" could be a qualified success. *** The cheapest car ever made (not counting the Gremlin) has been unveiled by Indian automaker Tata motors, called the Nano. With a name like Tata forget the headroom, how much chest room is there. It comes in at 10' feet long, seats four people and is being sold in India for just around $2000. Which means, you don't have to be a slumdog millionaire just to afford one. *** Ok, I want to go on record saying that I felt old enough already before I became aware of a number of TV producers attempting to revive the 1990s. On Wednesday, April 15th, Mayim Bialik, the star of the 1990 TV series Blossom will appear on an episode of Bones and a few days later on April 19th, her costar and big brother from that show, Joey Lawrence, costars with Melissa Joan Hart in the ABC Family channel's made-for-TV movie 'My Fake Fiance.' I'll give them 6 months to air the sequel 'My Fiance Fakes It." ***

To Serve and Wear Protection

Oh puleeeze. Levi Johnston, baby daddy to Bristol Palin's child, was interviewed on Tyra Banks and when asked if he practiced safe sex all the time he said "yes." Even AFTER Tyra asked him, "and you did so, during what lead to the pregnancy?" And again he said yes. But to help him seem less of the idiot he is, Tyra volunteered, "Guess it was some sort of wardrobe malfunction?" Pushing the issue of constant condom use further, Levi finally said, "Well, most of the time." Right, and he blows out matches, most of the time, before throwing them in a trash can and removes the car keys when he goes to the ammo shop, most of the time. Forget Korean missile tests, I live in fear of Heterosexual teenage men. *** The recent Green Home Expo in Sacramento featured a novel new concept in building recycling, kitchen counter tops made from recycled windshield glass and Skyy Vodka bottles. Event security spent most of the day asking attendees Not to lick the counter tops. *** Star of the TV series, Dog Whisperer, Cesar Millan, is now an American Citizen. Not one to rain on his parade but it's a funny thing that a man who teaches animals to go ON the paper, actually has papers of his own. ***

You Have The Right To Remain Stupid

In the wake of the multiple contestant injuries on ABC's Dancing with the Stars comes news that it's more dangerous over on FOX's So You Think You Can Dance. Alex De Silva, a choreographer and performer from the show was arrested by LAPD on four counts of rape stemming from 2003 through 2009. Sources state that all the victims were dancing students of his at the time. Bail was set at 3.8 million and if it can be posted, De Silva will be appearing on the new series "So You Thought You Could Get Away With It." *** And the celebrity arrests continue. Redmond O'Neal, son of Farrah Fawcett and Ryan O'Neal, arrived at a California jail to visit a friend and upon entering a security checkpoint, officers discovered drugs, which Redmond was attempting to smuggle in for the friend. Though being held on $25,000 bail until a Tuesday hearing the sad news is that Redmond was not allowed to be a cell mate with the friend. No word on whether or not Redmond will be appearing in the series 'So You Thought You Could Get Away With It,' but I think he's a shoe-in for the film 'Dude, Where's My Brain!" ***

Alaska Air Heads

Attention all news channels and networks. It is NOT news, when a reporter uses the words tornado with mobile home or suicide bomber and Iraq in the same sentence. *** Another doll release celebrating the 50th Anniversary of Barbie is heading to collectors everywhere. A Kentucky Derby Barbie will be issued in honor of the 135th Running of the Roses on May 2nd. A the Derby, people will have a chance to win a life sized Kentucky Derby Barbie. The one of a kind doll will be inflatable and feature a facial expression as if she were pronouncing the letter O. *** Ok already, enough with the affirmation that America made the right choice but not voting in the McCain/Palin ticket. Beyond Sarah's inability to just spell I.Q. there were the issues around her daughter's out-of-wedlock pregnancy, then the breakup of her daughter and the baby daddy, then the baby daddy's Mama got arrested for drugs and now Palin's sister-in-law, Diana Palin is being charged with two-counts of felony burglary. As a result, the Palins have closed their mail box because to their family, P.O. stands for Parole Officer. ***

Don't Come To Mommy

I love the line in the new issue of Time magazine which reads "CBS cancels Guiding Light after being reminded that Guiding Light was still on the air. *** A judge in Malawi has denied Madonna's request to adopt a 3 year old girl named Mercy James. The ruling claims that the decision was in the best interest of the little girl who will remain living in an orphanage in the impoverished country where the life expectancy for a woman is 43 years. HUH??? Prepared with a backup plan, Madonna will be meeting with Nadya Suliman on Monday, with a cashiers check in hand. *** Just when you thought that the High School Musical movie franchis was over, comes news that it will live forever as Madame Tussaud's wax museum in New York has just unveiled a Zac Efron statue. Though the likeness is quite striking it's easy to tell the two apart as the wax version as a wider acting range during auditions and wears less mascara. ***

Call Now and Get a Peak At My Aqua Globes

Disturbing news that Vince the Sham-wow spokesperson was arrested for punching a hooker. Apparently, while locked in a kiss, the wicked city woman bit down on his tongue and wouldn't let go so Vince socked her. Vince's defense is certain to be "I was just demonstrating my new product, a self defense course called "The Sham Pow." *** Showing a polite concern for those struggling in a downturned economy, Elton John celebrated his 62nd birthday with less opulence than usual by hosting the event at what he called "a burger bar" but is best known as the LA hotspot Hamlet on Sunset. As fast food and burgers were the theme it's of no surprise that more than one guest mistook Amy Winehouse as Ronald McDonald. Other guests included Sharon and Ozzy Osborne, Cindy Crawford and Ricky Lake. The evening went smoothly except for the moments Sharon Osborne was seen carting off her husband Ozzy, he kept trying to swat the mole off Cindy Crawford's face. *** Aaron Spelling's widow, Candy has decided to sell the Spelling Manor and it can be yours for only the amount of an AIG bonus - $150 million. Sure, sounds like a lot but it's really a steal. Consider all you get from the home that Charlie's Angels and the Love Boat built. There's 4.6 acres of land, the main house is only $56,500 square feet, with bowling alley, gift wrap room, gym, barber shop and beauty shop. Poor Candy will be moving into a two story condo which is still under construction. The delay was caused due to a platinum shingle shortage in Botswanna. ***