Family Affairs

OK, you've all heard about Cher's daughter, Chastity Bono is going through procedures to become a man named Chaz. Having come out in 1995, the procedure could be completed by next year, her 15th anniversary of becoming a Lesbian. As it is a well known fact that her brother, Elijah Blue likes to wear make up, could Elizabeth Blue be in the future? ***
A Michigan Man claims to be a two year old boy who vanished from his stroller in front of a Long Island bakery over 50 years ago. Federals officials and the family of the lost toddler are eagerly awaiting DNA results. Not sure why they are bothering, turns out that his grandmother is the same woman who claimed to be Anastasia the last daughter of Czar Nicholas of Russia. *** And concluding this theme of family, American Idol runner up, David Archuleta's father, Jeff, was busted for soliciting a prostitute at a massage parlor in Midvale, Utah. I can't begin to say how absolutely shocked I am. They have massage parlors in Utah?

Search for Wireless Connection

While staying with a friend, I was trying to get online with my own laptop and discovered that his neighbors may not be the kind of warm and welcoming type found in a Frank Capra movie. As I reviewed the available wireless connections I found a list of names that included Raiders Suck, Pistol Packin, 6feetunder and Dirty Hymen. After quickly checking his pantry, it looks like I have enough sugar, milk, eggs and butter to get through the next three days without having to knock on doors with a measuring cup in hand. I should be safe. While some Bedouin laptop users are comfortable hacking into other people’s wireless networks for web access, I can assure you I wouldn’t touch Dirty Hymen’s network with a ten foot tent pole. *** Japanese researchers are claiming that a recently concluded study showed that mice who were fed regular household vinegar lost a body fat content of up to 10%. The only problem for humans is that is has to be applied as a douche. *** Simon & Schuster has signed former George W. Bush puppet master and Vice President, Dick Cheney to write his memoirs. No title yet but I suggest the following for the notoriously curmudgeonly politician - He World, Get Off My Lawn. The autobiography is scheduled to be released in the Spring of 2011, only a few months after the release of one coming from George W. I know what you're thinking, it's going to take George W. two years to write a book? Don't be surprised, it takes him a whole year just to read one.

No Booze For Yous

Things that make you go, Huh??? After reading a news story that Amy Winehouse's parents say that their daughter is still boozing it up and needs help, I am thinking, How is that news? Yet, in the wake of this statement of the obvious comes a report that some scientist dare to believe that alcohol may not be good for your health. While a litany of studies claim that alcohol, in moderation, may promote heart health, Dr. Tim Naimi of the Center for Disease Control and Prevention has stated "there has not been a single study done on moderate alcohol consumption that is a "gold standard" kind or study." For god's sake, would someone introduce this Doctor to David Hasselhoff. *** A case of embezzlement in Place County, involving a court executive officer pulling in over $470,000 has raised eyebrows here in the Golden State. Despite the financial insolvency facing California, this case wrinkles foreheads due to the name of the attorney representing the accused. Perhaps it's a rare case of truth in advertising but the barrister on the case is named Barbara Lawless. ***

LA Pride Celebration 2009

Although California Courts won't allow the union of same sex couples, gays and lesbians proved their dedication to and worthiness of equal rights at the 2009 Christopher West/LA Pride Celebration. As tradition at many other Pride celebrations, Dykes on Bikes roared down Santa Monica to kick off the parade without a sissy bar in sight. Banners, flags, and signs echoed the need to repeal proposition 8 throughout the procession in almost equal number to those that introduced convertible driven politicians and honorees. The list of such VIPs included Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa, San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom (called "Governor Newsom" by a review stand narrator,) Noah's Arc star Doug Spearman ridding with an gorgeous but unidentified man, and Parade Grand Marshal Chelsea Handler who looked lovely in a white sleeveless summer dress but puzzled some with her over sized pink scarf wrapped over her head and around her neck as if she was at a Muslim pride parade. Joining Handler on the float were her talk show sidekick Chuy Bravo and Ross the intern of the Tonight show fame.
Never one to take a backseat that is exactly where celebr-attorney Gloria Alred sat while being chauffeured down the parade route. Contrary to her name, Alred wore all Red with white trim. I know, a scary thought. Can you image waking up in the hospital only to see Gloria next to a crash cart dressed as candy striper. Don't worry, you're safe if your room doesn't have paparazzi. As an energetic Renaissance Faire troupe shared their revelry with the crowds, I eagerly awaited the appearance of a similar but all female version from the E-LEZ-abethan Faire, but alas, for such fortune was anon. Other groups represented included police, sheriffs and cowboys brought a reminder of The Village People. Yet our GLBT village demonstrated it's open heart with a substantial showing of marching church groups. A surprise to me despite the influence of many church organizations helping to pass California's legal to discriminate proposition. Fortunately the shadow of their evil influence was kept sequestered to one small area on a side street. Which reminds me, can't we outlaw the sale of bull horns to the intelligently challenged?
The Barnicle Busters diving group displayed some members wearing long colorful clustered balloons that made them look like spongebob squarepants' "Questioning Sea Urchin" friend. The Gay stereotype was enforced with numerous marchers walking their tiny leashed foo foo dogs, Chihuahuas, yorkies, long hair dachshunds. And not a one in cat drag. Among the more impressive floats was a pirate ship complete with crew that had more muscles that their vessel had barnacles. It was no surprise that newly reopened Mickey's featured the hottest dancers on their float. Which wasn't really a float as an actual fire truck equipped with long and powerful hoses. But enough about the dancers. The Manhunt float also featured some pretty male flesh yet I did a double take at how, youthful they appeared. I don't want to say that they were underage by I thought I heard them introduced as the Fisher Price dancers and could swear that the underwear label on one gyrating stud-cookie read "My First Jock Strap."
Some reports say that 400,000 attended the parade and festival but whatever the number, it never fails to enthrall when you see so many proud people gather under one sky. A sky that was overcast for most of Saturday, but cleared up on Sunday where sun rays greeted a much larger crowd. Across the weekend celebration, the sites that stood out for me was the annual appearance of the very tall, plus-sized cross dresser riding a bike, barely covered in underwear, bra and teddy. If you missed it, count your blessings. I love to people watch with friends and as we observed the approach of half dozen teens we immediately caught site of their alpha male with the over-the top hand gestures and loudest/highest voice in the group. When we spotted the pink back pack straps draped over his shoulders I demanded to my group "$5 says it's Hello Kitty." "$10 says it's My Pretty Pony" replied a friend while another concluded "$20 says it's Barbie." Nobody won the kitty, hello or otherwise. As the boy turned around we were all exposed to a colorful piece of shoulder luggage which featured the cartoon images and name of .... Disney's Aladdin. See, never judge a book or the back pack that holds it, by it's cover.
While the San Francisco Pride Celebration has hosted carnival rides, the LA Pride festival featured rides of a different kind. More specifically, in the form of Erotic City. A sequestered area for adults only featuring exhibitors from the adult film and product industry. I'm still trying to find it within my heart to forgive their door/gate man for not asking to see my I.D. I even had it out and ready WITH my AARP card. Though two of the biggest names in the Gay porn industry, Raging Stallion and Falcon were not represented, there were quite a few other companies displaying their flesh-wares, including one very popular Johnny Hazzard. At the end of an alley we found a booth surrounded by a gawking crowd. Standing 6' 2" I easily peered over the wall of bodies, only to observe an imposing woman in a cowboy hat, cracking her bullwhip over the back flesh of an underwear clad youth with the face of an angel. And I don't mean hells angel, I mean a Raphael painting brought to life. If any of the vendors had filmed this moment they would have made a tidy whitties profit.
Across the grassy knoll of Erotic City was a booth where fair goes could suit up as Sumo wrestlers and try to throttle their opponent to the floor. Many observers enjoyed the moment when it took three of the booth's staff to pull the immense bulbous costume, complete with g-string diaper and plastic hair helmets, over the bumpy body of a muscle bound leather daddy. And again, as luck would have it, nobody got that on film. The celebration grounds, between Santa Monica and Melrose featured three separate dance areas plus the main stage for entertainment. Mid-day emcees, Ben Patrick Johnson and Marcellas Reynolds were far more entertaining than the questionable selection of Mama and Billy Masters as evening stage hosts. Among the better known main stage talent were American Idol vets Fantasia and Blake Lewis, Expose, Billy Porter and on closing night, audience favorite Terri Nunn and Berlin. Though the program listed a "Surprise Closing Performance," the rumors of this year's American Idol runner-up, Adam Lambert, making an appearance proved to be false while the audience was disappointed with nothing more than an encore performance of Nunn with a backup choir. And for those not of age to remember Berlin from the 80s, let it be known that Terri Nunn was NEVER part of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence. All in all, it was another fabulously successful event. Once the 400,000 have cleaned up their dance shoes, searched facebook for those they met and taken a bit of a rest, we'll be shopping for outfits for next year's edition.

Celebrities Say the Darndest Things

The latest issue of Us Weekly features a list of female stars who's recently come out about having had boob jobs. Although one of the listees, Denise Richards was technically outed when a photographer from the Globe caught a shot of her hammering a nail into a 2" X 4" with her left breast. *** I also loved the news that Lady Gaga has expressed her longing to have a four-way with the Jonas Brothers. This was shortly after she told anothe reporter that the main thing she looks for in a man is a large endowment and I'm not talking how much he pledges to PBS. You can pretty much count on Lady Gaga not getting invited by Disney to appear on any future episodes of Hannah Montana. She probably things that Hannah IS the capitol of Montana. ***

Off with her head, aka Wacking the Pinata

I never thought I'd have anything nice to say about Donald Trump. Well with the exception of when he rides a motorcycle his hair acts as a helmet. But he deserves praise for today's firing of Miss California USA, Carrie Prejean. Although a statement was issued through Trumps office stating that she was discharged due to failure to meet specific terms of her contract and not because of her anti-Gay marriage stance. Still insistent that she did nothing wrong and that her right to free hate speech is being impeded, perhaps she can go work for Reverend Fred Phelps. Prejean's replacement will be Miss Malibu whose first name was not Barbie, although her pageant talent was opening her mouth to make ocean sounds. *** Though not formally announced yet, word comes that three judges in the African nation of Malawi will grant Madonna's application to adopt 3-year-old Mercy James. This could clear the way for her interest in adopting another child, an 11 -year-old boy. Critics claim that it wouldn't be as much of an adoption as her simply grooming a future boyfriend. ***

Hey Mister, Watch that Placenta

Thomas Beatie, best known as the pregnant man, has given birth to a second child. Beatie, who is transgendered from a woman to a man has been interviewed on Oprah and appeared bearded and shirtless with enlarged belly in newspapers and magazines the world over. Yet something that annoys me about this story is the media pursuit of validating his claim to be the first pregnant man even though he obviously still has female pluming. Sorry folks, but if you've still got the V-jayjay and Fallopian tubes and facial hair, you are NOT a man. You're a fertile beauty queen from Sicily. *** On to a proven thoroughbred breeder. Kate of Jon & Kate plus 8 could be in need of employment with all the media coverage about the deteriotation of her marriage. Despite Jon's insistance that he didn't stray the two couldn't be further apart emotionally let alone physically on recent episodes and ratings have suffered. But I have hope for Kate and a possible job offer. Researchers at the University of California Davis and Kaiser Permanente are looking for women who are willing to be monitored throughout new pregancies and during their babies early years. Although the study is focused on autism, hey, it's a paycheck. ***
An article appearing on website sources and in my own newspaper featured the headline Bomb Blast in Luxury Pakastani Hotel. Correct me if I'm wrong, but shouldn't a luxury hotel in that part of the world be a room WITHOUT a bomb?

Perspective or Just Rude

Having read the Primetime Network TV schedule for the fall I was wondering, with Animal Planet having placed Whale Wars up against NBC's The Biggest Loser, is that strategy or just plain rude? *** Talking rude, whoever asked Liza Minnelli to sing at last night's Tony Awards was being just that to us viewers. Come on Miss Z, time to sue your lawyer for letting your ex husband get custody of the vocal chords. And what was with that annoying spastic choreography from the poorly chosen Billy Elliot number? It was a treat to see Neil Patrick Harris prove that the show can go on without Hugh Jackman as host and do just as good as a job. *** There should be a law. Especially about accuracy in newspaper article headlines, or could the trouble me from my own warped perspective. I thought a newspaper story titled Protection for Renters was about an apartment complex that was giving residents free condoms. ***

A Little Off the Top

Topless pictures of Britney Spears have popped up on TMZ and other websites and the world is shocked! Shocked that it didn't happen sooner. But is it really that much of a surprise that one who is brainless, actually went topless? *** On the subject of topless, a Maine coffee shop which featured bare breasted waitresses, recently burned to the ground due to a case of arson. Under modern zoning laws, the city fathers claim that the owner will not be able to rebuild a topless house of java without their approval. It's an easy solution. He should just reopen as an erotic candy store and call it Coffee Nips. *** Transformers star Shia LeBeouf will star in Oliver Stone's long time coming followup film to Wall Street, called Money Never Sleeps. Michael Douglas will reprise his role as Gordon Gekko from the 1987 film. Filming begins in August, barely a month before Douglas turns 65 years old. A fact which has caused producers to deny rumors that the original title was going to be Wall Street 2 - Far, I'll Take A Cab. ***

Oh, Those Crazy Kids

The Pennsylvania Department of Labor is monitoring the TV series Jon & Kate Plus Eight for breaking child labor laws. That's outrageous. Kate might be a bossy and demanding shrew but even she sets limits for here kids. No garden weeding after 11pm, they can take up to 5 hours to make sure the shower tile grout is as white as her teeth and the octo-siblings get 20 minutes of play time a day. Now isn't that fair? *** 97 year old Millvina Dean, the oldest surviving passenger of the Titanic has died. As her family are firm believers in cryogenics, Dean will be put on ice - again. *** And you thought America had problems with Octomom. She may be in a run for her money as negligent parent of the year with news about Sarah Quinland from New Zealand. As the story goes, Sarah, made some bids to purchase toys at on online site called TradeMe and then took a nap, without signing off. Her 3 year old daughter felt that the toys weren’t really to her liking so she got on the laptop and after a couple of mouse clicks, purchased a $12,300 Earth moving construction vehicle. Mom discovered the incident after opening the e-mails that confirmed her purchases and the shocking one from her daughter. The daughter will be working off the purchase and go without an allowance until she’s 113 years old. ***

June Entertainment News

As the traditional television season comes to a close it's time for my annual list of Top Ten Hunks on Network TV. In no specific order they are...the man who can get a rise out of the dead - Lee Pace on Pushing Daisies, first having noticed his drool worthiness on those AT&T commercials - Tim Kang from The Mentalist, the smoking hot and sultry Justin Baldoni of Heroes, the always looking young and restless - Shemar Moore of Criminal Minds, proving that scientist are hot under those white coats - T.J. Thyne on Bones, the spy who could keep me out of the cold - Jeffrey Donovan from Burn Notice, the E.M.T. driver who can resuscitate me anytime - Sam Witwer in Smallville, the guy who convinced me that you should eat meat on Fridays - Philip Winchester on Crusoe, that tower of throbbing ectoplasm - Jared Padalecki of Supernatural and vampire blood junkie on True Blood, Mrs. sex on legs - Ryan Kwanten. *** And since we're on the subject of TB - True Blood, that hit HBO series, returns with fresh episodes on June 14th. But more importantly, brings us more fresh flesh from Ryan Kwanten. Joining the cast of regulars are new faces including Evan Rachel Wood as Sophie-Anne, the Vampire Queen of Louisiana. That just might be copyright infringement because that use to be my drag name when I lived in Baton Rouge. Ed Quinn, formerly of the Sci Fi channel series Eureka has also joined the ensemble as Stan, a powerful vampire from - Texas. Which brings to question, George W. Bush sucked and was from Texas, did we ever see him in the daylight???
*** Christopher Street West, those dedicated folks behind the 2009 LA Pride Celebration has chosen E! Entertainment late-night talk show host and comedian, Chelsea Handler and her ethnic version of Ed McMahon, Chuy Bravo as Grand Marshals of this years event. *** In addition to this month's pride celebrations around the world, don't forget our other national Gay holiday on June 7th. It's the 63rd Annual Tony Awards. The live broadcast from Radio City Music Hall will feature Neil Patrick Harris as master of ceremonies. ***
HBO obviously supports the concept of "size matters" with the June 28th premiere of it's latest, head turning series. Titled Hung, the show features Thomas Jane (The Velocity of Gary) as a well endowed, High School basketball coach whose life is crumbling around him. Choosing to climb out of his rut, he decides to prove that he is a really "hard" worker by pursuing a new career with the use of his popular and below-the-belt asset. Though a half hour show, the premiere episode will be, appropriately, "longer," running at 45 minutes. Now if you were expecting me to say "long and uncut" don't hold your breath. So beside the character's appendage, where's the Gay community angle? Well, former Lesbian, Anne Heche plays his estranged wife. Or should we just go for the obvious and use "strange" wife? *** In the wake of Chris Engen walking out of his role on Young and the Restless, just as he was about to film a guy on guy kissing scene has forced CBS to recast his role with former Veronica Mars star Michael Muhney, making his first appearance on June 25. Why anyone, gay or straight, would walk out on the chance to lock lips with the incredibly gorgeous Yani Gellman is beyond comprehension. Press reps for Engen claim the actor left the show because he didn't like the "dark direction" his character was moving toward. That's odd, Yani isn't black. ***
Fans of the tragicly cancelled series, Pushing Daisies, will be treated by casting of Lee Pace in Tom Ford's film, A Single Man. Scheduled for release sometime this year, this film version of Christopher Isherwood's 1964 novel brings the motion picture directorial debut of this fashion icon and former head of Gucci. The cast features Matthew Goode (Brideshead Revisited), Julianne Moore, Colin Firth and Nicholas Hoult (Skins.) Interesting note, Hoult is rumored to be in the upcoming remake of the Ray Harryhausen fantasy classic, Clash of the Titans. But don't count on him to replace the previously seen and scantily clad Harry Hamlin. The remake role of Perseus has gone to Sam Worthington who plays Marcus in Terminator Salvation. Among the actors playing gods are Liam Neeson as Zeus, Danny Huston (Angelica's brother) as Poseiden and Ralph Fiennes as Hades. I know, I know. You were expecting Dick Cheney as Hades, but wouldn't that be blatant type-casting? ***
Almost a year without Project Runway, our next best guilty addiction, Kathy Griffin's My Life on the D-List returns June 8 and will feature Bette Midler this season. Bette Midler? That D-List seems to be moving upward to vowel category.
*** Nobody (sane) can deny the imensely homoerotic focus of the hit film 300 but since that films release, people have asked, what about equal time. Where's the counter point? When are we getting a lesbo-rotic movie for the double x chromosone crowd. Apparently, Watchmen director Zack Snyder shares those concerns and plans to rectify the situation. Ooops, am I going to be accused of being Sapho insensitive for using the word "RECTify?" Snyder has put together a $100 million original action fantasy called Sucker Punch with an all female cast. The film will follow a young woman who fantasizes about escaping from an insance asylum with her fellow crazies. Being described as Alice in Wonderland with machine guns the current production aims for a 2010 release. The cast includes Jena Malone (Saved,) Vanessa Hudgens (High School Musical,) and Jamie Chung (Days of Our Lives.) ***
Heading across the Atlantic to spend time along the Thames this summer? Then don't miss the Gay Icons exhibit at London's National Portrait Gallery July 2 - October 18th. This impressive collection of photographs was a committe which included Sirs Elton John and Ian McKellen and features images of Virginia Woolf and Quentin Crisp. A portrait of George Michael will be hung in the Museums men's room. ***