Where's My Shows

It's hard enough adjusting to a new life in LA but can't TV channels stay the same. Just how am I supposed to get through the day without my doses of People's Court and Judge Judy. Although not having cable yet does make it difficult to find your regular programming among only five channels. yes only five. Well, to be accurate there are actually 36 more but sadly I can't undertand Mandarin, Tagolog, Viet Namese, Russian, Serbian and any of the languages in which those stations broadcast. I must admit my surprise to learn that Jerry Springer is still on the air. I guess there must still be an audience for that kind of thing. After all, not everybody can afford season tickets to cage fighting.

We Need Costco Greeters with Cattle Prods

Though I wish I could blame it on having lost a bet, today was my first time in a Costco in over 12 years. An easy task it was not. Sure, you expect long lines and delays to check out but the simple act of entering the building is quite the challenge. I had forgotten about the plethora of idiots who simple stop, DEAD in their tracks, right in the doorway to fish through their purse looking for their Costco membership card. But adding to this density of flesh are the 21st century post lobotomy patients who must also freeze frame to check their text messages or facebook pages from their I-phone. News flash world - YOU AREN'T THE ONLY PERSON SHOPPING TODAY!

That's Art?

OMG, it's the end of the world for certain. On the Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien, he just unveiled a life sized sculptured bust of himself made of white chocolate with bacon for his hair. Now I know why I never watched his old show. Besides, he didn't even say if it was Kosher bacon.

Almost Complete

I'm so excited. All my stuff arrived from Sacramento on Saturday. Well, almost. Even though two items weren't checked off on the inventory, the mover/driver said "well, here's 4 boxes without numbers, so the missing two must be two of those. So I signed off. Then he calls me last night, after emptying the van in San Diego to say he found the other two boxes and wanted to drop them off today, on his way back up to Sacramento.
Surprise, surprise. It ended up being FOUR more boxes and my tool box. Of course if I were a lesbian, I would have noticed that my tool box hadn't arrived.

Birthday Brunch

I can't think of a better way to celebrate my first 24 hours as an LA resident than celebrating my Dino's birthday. It was a perfect day to drive down to Long Beach and where we enjoyed Brunch on the Queen Mary.

Wrong Censoring

I just opened the latest issue of US Weekly and was shocked at a photo of Paulina Porizkova and husband Ric Ocasek on the beach. Paulina, a former super model is topless with a censored tag over her chest, provided by the magazine. I must say, I'm apalled. The magagzine's censor should have covered the image of her 60 year old husband's frighteningly skinny, saggy and scarry body in a bathing suit. One can't help but wish this former lead singer of the group The Cars would simply stay in the back seat of his when he goes to the beach....OK, I'm still trying to fully comprehend this one. Japanese astronaut, Koichi Wakata, returned to Earth after a solid month on the space station, with the underwear he wore for a solid month. The special Japanese made underwear, called J-Wear is a new type of anti-bacterial, water-absorbing, odor eliminating clothing designed for space travel. Wow. I wasn't aware the was an underwear problem for astronauts. and besides, do Japanese mothers never tell there children when they leave the house, "where clean under wear, where clean underwear." Which is usually followed by the cliched phrase "and look both ways.," Oh, common, who looks both ways, especially in space.

New Frontier

Tomorrow's the day. My belongings are supposed to be delivered by Bekins. However it may take 6 hours or more as the mover/driver says he will be alone to unload the truck.

Final Night

Final night in my Sacramento apartment. Tomorrow the movers come to pack and load (not to be confused with "lock and load") and when my stuff arrives on Saturday or Monday, I'll be permantly living in LA. Lesson #1, you are never too old for new adventures.

Reception by CARP

news comes from Asia of a 107 year old Chinese woman who feared she would never be married and is now engaged to a younger man. He's 106. I wonder what the Chinese word for Cougar, is and is the Chinese version of American Association of Retired Persons called 'CARP?' They've chosen a Spring wedding and will exchange pace makers by the ocean.

Opinions are Crap

The national uproar by the poorly informed responding to the Obama administration's effort to revamp health care reminds me, you aren't entitled to your own opinion. An uninformed opinion is meaningless. Yet those with the loudest voices are the ones propogating the lies from the rumor mill, covering such things as the government will require you to end your life when you become old. I hope all these people who believe such stupidity, have mailed their $5,000 to cover the taxes on their Nigerian lottery winnings.

A Brave New World

Living in LA, I have discovered the intricacies of driving on Socal streets and freeways. When on the freeway, if you use your turn signal it tells drivers next to you to speed up. At a green traffic light, if you are the 5th car or further back in line, you will it turn red at least twice before you get through the intersection. And for pedestrians, walk and don't walk signals are nothing more than pretty lights on a pole.

Personal Zip Codes

Excessive horizontal body trends continue in the south as a just released report points fingers of concern at the state of Mississippi. Turns out the hard to spell gem of the confedracy has the highest percentage of both adult and child obesity in the nation, followed by Alabama, West Virginia and Tennessee. Now who said that the expression big fat redneck was offensive, cause it sure is accurate. *** The latest media obsession is all the coverage about how Rush Limbaugh has lost almost 60lbs in six months. Though the obvious comment would be that he'd loose the most weight if he cut off his head but mouths are a flutter as to how he did it. Well, obviously once an Oxy addict the next step is crack addict. There! Mystery solved. ***

A Home for the Lost Boys & One Girl

It's been announced that Debbie Rowe has agreed to let Michael Jackson's mother Katherine, have custody of her biological children but will retain visitation rights. The agreement was made after Rowe promised not to dangle any of the kids off a balcony higher up than a second floor. ***

A Deserving Winner

Hurray for the New York MTA worker who won 133 million in the lottery. Believe it or not, this is the first time in ages I heard about a winner who is ACTUALLY going to quit his job. I propose a law that requires people who win lottery amounts of one million or more, to quit their job, thus provide more employment opportunities for those in need. And if they don't resign, the winnings must be forfeited to... ME! ***

Have It Your Way

Who says you can have it your way? Apparently not at all fast food place. An unhappy Wendy's customer drew a gun on a frightened drive up window just because he and his wife didn't get drinking straws. When police responded they found over 12 thousand dollars in cash and components for a meth lab in their pickup truck. The wife claimed that the cash from from a recent lawsuit. But here's the best irony of it all. Where do these future breeders of fast food career children come from? Why Arkansas of course.

Conspiracy

LaToya Jackson has added to her claims that her late brother Michael was murdered. In the wake of her interview with a british tabloid, the gloved-one's sister now claims that there were a PAIR of gloves found behind the house, that Phil Spector was seen in the neighborhood and she insists that there was a second gunman. ***

Old School Theatre

Yesterday we caught a David Mamet play at the Mark Taper forum, pretty intense and not a feel good show but then you don't go to a Mamet play expecting Neil Simon dialogue. But maybe this audience did. I haven't been to a theatrical matinee in so many years I had forgotten how the crowd differs from evening performances. This group was about 80 or so. I don't mean how many seats were filled, the audience members were mostly Civil War vets. I would bet that at least half the women went to school with Jefferson Davis. I don't mean to say that they were all old people but I've never seen a theatre lobby selling coke, sprite, wine and Geritol shots.

Billy Jean Is Not My Fan

I have often been described as having a warped perspective on life and find myself the first person to recognize the quirky occurrences around me. So I couldn't help be startled during an ABC News report about the millions of Michael Jackson fans who have registered for the lottery to attend his funeral. At one point a woman being interviewed actually stated, "oh ya, I hope I get picked it would be like a dream come true." Wait a minute, shouldn't this process be only for admirers of the gloved one. What sort of "fan" dreamed about attending Michael Jackson's funeral.

Entertainment News for July 2009

Memorial Day is a day of remembrance and this July 10 is a day of irreverence, as that is opening day of the new Sacha Baron Cohen film, Bruno. This time the internationally known chameleon and lampoonist plays an over-the-top stylist, named Bruno who takes the world by storm. Or more accurately, blows in a hurricane of shock to those he encounters. No stranger to mocking others, as in the case of his Borat film, you can count on a slew of new naive victims. Just last month during the MTV Movie awards, Cohen as Borat, was dressed in a white thong and angel wings, was flown on a wire over the audience and intentionally crashed into rap performer Eminem. Who subsequently left in a huff with his entourage. If the over-hyped untalented Em was so upset, he should see those who are ridiculed in the movie. In one scene, Bruno takes a jab at Madonna, when he and his lover Diesel, adopts an African child (yes, the Material Girl actually missed one) who they name O.J. show off to other celebrities and fashion icons. I can't help but wonder if this helps Cohen's chance to appear in a Guy Ritchie film. During production, Cohen and his crew embarrassed the Alabama National Guard when the military unit granted him permission to wear a uniform and train at a boot camp as they thought he was a German documentary filmmaker. Some sources have reported that the film will be called, simply, Bruno while others claim it will have a long title, like the Borat film, using the marquee expanding name 'Bruno: Delicious Journeys Through America for the Purpose of Making Heterosexual Males Visibly Uncomfortable in the Presence of a Gay Foreigner in a Mesh T-Shirt. Back in the Spring the MPAA gave the film an NC-17 rating though as that is considered a kiss of death to a film's success, even by today's standards, a recut version was expected to be submitted for a new rating. ***
Though you'll have to search art houses in your area on July 17, the independent film ‘Humpday’ brings an interesting same sex story. Though the word usually refers to the mid-week day of Wednesday this time it refers to an agreement made by two friends. Two life-long straight buddies, Andrew and Ben, who imbibe to excess at a party and losing their inhibitions, agree, before witnesses, to enter a porn internet site contest and be filmed while having sex with each other. But before you put the movie on your Netflix list just be forewarned that the two actors playing Andrew and Ben are less Abecrombie than they are “go” Fetch. ***
Eliza Dushku, star of Dollhouse, Angel and Buffy the Vampire Slayer will be producing a biographical film on the late controversial photographer, Robert Mapplethorpe. Dushku has already confirmed the casting of her brother and producing partner, Nate Dushku , to play Mapplethorpe. *** Being Human a hit British series, starring out actor Russell Tovey, debuts on BBC America July 25th. Tovey plays a lycanthropic challenged individual (werewolf) with roommates that are a vampire and a ghost. So that makes me wonder, are vampires and ghosts any better about paying their rent? *** Hot on the coatails of his recent Tony Awards hosting gig, Neil Patrick Harris heads to the big screen with two film projects. In Beastly, a re-vamped version of the Beauty and the Best tale, Harris plays a blind teacher in this story about a New York girl who finds true love only after being cursed and turned into a hideous creature. Filming began last month with a cast that includes Mary-Kate Olsen and Vanessa Hudgens. In the independent film, The Best and the Brightest, Harris and Bonnie Somerville (The O.C.) are New York city parents dealing with the competitive pre-school enrollment scene. ***
Some fans of America's Next Top Model only watch the show to witness their least favorites get their walking papers or to be told "you know what your problem is? Your face." Not that there is anything wrong with that. But if you are one who takes pleasure from watching egotistical stick figures get their come upence then the July 12 debut of Lifetime's dramatic comedy Drop Dead Diva is just up your alley. Brook Elliot stars as a superficial model who is reincarnated as a smart big boned attorney who finds her new life a bit hellish. The supporting cast includes Ben Feldman (Living with Fran,) Sean Maher (Firefly) and Margaret Cho with future guest appearances by Tim Gunn, Kathy Najimi, and Rosie O'Donnell ***
Not to seem ungrateful that one of the best show on television, Torchwood, returns to BBC America this month but adding to my frustration of the Brits habit of creating series with a 8 - 12 episode season, Torchwood will have only, FIVE EPISODES. As they use a different currency than American's I am forced to use the cliche phrase of their being penny wise and pound foolish. No other Science Fiction television series or movie as ever featured such an imense array of same sex attraction storylines and deserves better. *** With respect to Torchwood I give official notice of my favorite new cable series, showtime's Nurse Jackie starring Edie Falco of the Sopranos. Here's a sampling of dialogue from the recent pilot episode. Nurse Jackie while being informed by a male nurse that the girlfriend of a deceased patient wants to talk to her...
Nurse Jackie: Why me/ Where's the social worker?
Male nurse: She's still made at us for the Christmas party
Nurse Jackie: Us? You're the one who tongued her husband after yuletide karaoke!
Male nurse: YOU dared me!

Family Affairs

OK, you've all heard about Cher's daughter, Chastity Bono is going through procedures to become a man named Chaz. Having come out in 1995, the procedure could be completed by next year, her 15th anniversary of becoming a Lesbian. As it is a well known fact that her brother, Elijah Blue likes to wear make up, could Elizabeth Blue be in the future? ***
A Michigan Man claims to be a two year old boy who vanished from his stroller in front of a Long Island bakery over 50 years ago. Federals officials and the family of the lost toddler are eagerly awaiting DNA results. Not sure why they are bothering, turns out that his grandmother is the same woman who claimed to be Anastasia the last daughter of Czar Nicholas of Russia. *** And concluding this theme of family, American Idol runner up, David Archuleta's father, Jeff, was busted for soliciting a prostitute at a massage parlor in Midvale, Utah. I can't begin to say how absolutely shocked I am. They have massage parlors in Utah?

Search for Wireless Connection

While staying with a friend, I was trying to get online with my own laptop and discovered that his neighbors may not be the kind of warm and welcoming type found in a Frank Capra movie. As I reviewed the available wireless connections I found a list of names that included Raiders Suck, Pistol Packin, 6feetunder and Dirty Hymen. After quickly checking his pantry, it looks like I have enough sugar, milk, eggs and butter to get through the next three days without having to knock on doors with a measuring cup in hand. I should be safe. While some Bedouin laptop users are comfortable hacking into other people’s wireless networks for web access, I can assure you I wouldn’t touch Dirty Hymen’s network with a ten foot tent pole. *** Japanese researchers are claiming that a recently concluded study showed that mice who were fed regular household vinegar lost a body fat content of up to 10%. The only problem for humans is that is has to be applied as a douche. *** Simon & Schuster has signed former George W. Bush puppet master and Vice President, Dick Cheney to write his memoirs. No title yet but I suggest the following for the notoriously curmudgeonly politician - He World, Get Off My Lawn. The autobiography is scheduled to be released in the Spring of 2011, only a few months after the release of one coming from George W. I know what you're thinking, it's going to take George W. two years to write a book? Don't be surprised, it takes him a whole year just to read one.

No Booze For Yous

Things that make you go, Huh??? After reading a news story that Amy Winehouse's parents say that their daughter is still boozing it up and needs help, I am thinking, How is that news? Yet, in the wake of this statement of the obvious comes a report that some scientist dare to believe that alcohol may not be good for your health. While a litany of studies claim that alcohol, in moderation, may promote heart health, Dr. Tim Naimi of the Center for Disease Control and Prevention has stated "there has not been a single study done on moderate alcohol consumption that is a "gold standard" kind or study." For god's sake, would someone introduce this Doctor to David Hasselhoff. *** A case of embezzlement in Place County, involving a court executive officer pulling in over $470,000 has raised eyebrows here in the Golden State. Despite the financial insolvency facing California, this case wrinkles foreheads due to the name of the attorney representing the accused. Perhaps it's a rare case of truth in advertising but the barrister on the case is named Barbara Lawless. ***

LA Pride Celebration 2009

Although California Courts won't allow the union of same sex couples, gays and lesbians proved their dedication to and worthiness of equal rights at the 2009 Christopher West/LA Pride Celebration. As tradition at many other Pride celebrations, Dykes on Bikes roared down Santa Monica to kick off the parade without a sissy bar in sight. Banners, flags, and signs echoed the need to repeal proposition 8 throughout the procession in almost equal number to those that introduced convertible driven politicians and honorees. The list of such VIPs included Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa, San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom (called "Governor Newsom" by a review stand narrator,) Noah's Arc star Doug Spearman ridding with an gorgeous but unidentified man, and Parade Grand Marshal Chelsea Handler who looked lovely in a white sleeveless summer dress but puzzled some with her over sized pink scarf wrapped over her head and around her neck as if she was at a Muslim pride parade. Joining Handler on the float were her talk show sidekick Chuy Bravo and Ross the intern of the Tonight show fame.
Never one to take a backseat that is exactly where celebr-attorney Gloria Alred sat while being chauffeured down the parade route. Contrary to her name, Alred wore all Red with white trim. I know, a scary thought. Can you image waking up in the hospital only to see Gloria next to a crash cart dressed as candy striper. Don't worry, you're safe if your room doesn't have paparazzi. As an energetic Renaissance Faire troupe shared their revelry with the crowds, I eagerly awaited the appearance of a similar but all female version from the E-LEZ-abethan Faire, but alas, for such fortune was anon. Other groups represented included police, sheriffs and cowboys brought a reminder of The Village People. Yet our GLBT village demonstrated it's open heart with a substantial showing of marching church groups. A surprise to me despite the influence of many church organizations helping to pass California's legal to discriminate proposition. Fortunately the shadow of their evil influence was kept sequestered to one small area on a side street. Which reminds me, can't we outlaw the sale of bull horns to the intelligently challenged?
The Barnicle Busters diving group displayed some members wearing long colorful clustered balloons that made them look like spongebob squarepants' "Questioning Sea Urchin" friend. The Gay stereotype was enforced with numerous marchers walking their tiny leashed foo foo dogs, Chihuahuas, yorkies, long hair dachshunds. And not a one in cat drag. Among the more impressive floats was a pirate ship complete with crew that had more muscles that their vessel had barnacles. It was no surprise that newly reopened Mickey's featured the hottest dancers on their float. Which wasn't really a float as an actual fire truck equipped with long and powerful hoses. But enough about the dancers. The Manhunt float also featured some pretty male flesh yet I did a double take at how, youthful they appeared. I don't want to say that they were underage by I thought I heard them introduced as the Fisher Price dancers and could swear that the underwear label on one gyrating stud-cookie read "My First Jock Strap."
Some reports say that 400,000 attended the parade and festival but whatever the number, it never fails to enthrall when you see so many proud people gather under one sky. A sky that was overcast for most of Saturday, but cleared up on Sunday where sun rays greeted a much larger crowd. Across the weekend celebration, the sites that stood out for me was the annual appearance of the very tall, plus-sized cross dresser riding a bike, barely covered in underwear, bra and teddy. If you missed it, count your blessings. I love to people watch with friends and as we observed the approach of half dozen teens we immediately caught site of their alpha male with the over-the top hand gestures and loudest/highest voice in the group. When we spotted the pink back pack straps draped over his shoulders I demanded to my group "$5 says it's Hello Kitty." "$10 says it's My Pretty Pony" replied a friend while another concluded "$20 says it's Barbie." Nobody won the kitty, hello or otherwise. As the boy turned around we were all exposed to a colorful piece of shoulder luggage which featured the cartoon images and name of .... Disney's Aladdin. See, never judge a book or the back pack that holds it, by it's cover.
While the San Francisco Pride Celebration has hosted carnival rides, the LA Pride festival featured rides of a different kind. More specifically, in the form of Erotic City. A sequestered area for adults only featuring exhibitors from the adult film and product industry. I'm still trying to find it within my heart to forgive their door/gate man for not asking to see my I.D. I even had it out and ready WITH my AARP card. Though two of the biggest names in the Gay porn industry, Raging Stallion and Falcon were not represented, there were quite a few other companies displaying their flesh-wares, including one very popular Johnny Hazzard. At the end of an alley we found a booth surrounded by a gawking crowd. Standing 6' 2" I easily peered over the wall of bodies, only to observe an imposing woman in a cowboy hat, cracking her bullwhip over the back flesh of an underwear clad youth with the face of an angel. And I don't mean hells angel, I mean a Raphael painting brought to life. If any of the vendors had filmed this moment they would have made a tidy whitties profit.
Across the grassy knoll of Erotic City was a booth where fair goes could suit up as Sumo wrestlers and try to throttle their opponent to the floor. Many observers enjoyed the moment when it took three of the booth's staff to pull the immense bulbous costume, complete with g-string diaper and plastic hair helmets, over the bumpy body of a muscle bound leather daddy. And again, as luck would have it, nobody got that on film. The celebration grounds, between Santa Monica and Melrose featured three separate dance areas plus the main stage for entertainment. Mid-day emcees, Ben Patrick Johnson and Marcellas Reynolds were far more entertaining than the questionable selection of Mama and Billy Masters as evening stage hosts. Among the better known main stage talent were American Idol vets Fantasia and Blake Lewis, Expose, Billy Porter and on closing night, audience favorite Terri Nunn and Berlin. Though the program listed a "Surprise Closing Performance," the rumors of this year's American Idol runner-up, Adam Lambert, making an appearance proved to be false while the audience was disappointed with nothing more than an encore performance of Nunn with a backup choir. And for those not of age to remember Berlin from the 80s, let it be known that Terri Nunn was NEVER part of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence. All in all, it was another fabulously successful event. Once the 400,000 have cleaned up their dance shoes, searched facebook for those they met and taken a bit of a rest, we'll be shopping for outfits for next year's edition.

Celebrities Say the Darndest Things

The latest issue of Us Weekly features a list of female stars who's recently come out about having had boob jobs. Although one of the listees, Denise Richards was technically outed when a photographer from the Globe caught a shot of her hammering a nail into a 2" X 4" with her left breast. *** I also loved the news that Lady Gaga has expressed her longing to have a four-way with the Jonas Brothers. This was shortly after she told anothe reporter that the main thing she looks for in a man is a large endowment and I'm not talking how much he pledges to PBS. You can pretty much count on Lady Gaga not getting invited by Disney to appear on any future episodes of Hannah Montana. She probably things that Hannah IS the capitol of Montana. ***

Off with her head, aka Wacking the Pinata

I never thought I'd have anything nice to say about Donald Trump. Well with the exception of when he rides a motorcycle his hair acts as a helmet. But he deserves praise for today's firing of Miss California USA, Carrie Prejean. Although a statement was issued through Trumps office stating that she was discharged due to failure to meet specific terms of her contract and not because of her anti-Gay marriage stance. Still insistent that she did nothing wrong and that her right to free hate speech is being impeded, perhaps she can go work for Reverend Fred Phelps. Prejean's replacement will be Miss Malibu whose first name was not Barbie, although her pageant talent was opening her mouth to make ocean sounds. *** Though not formally announced yet, word comes that three judges in the African nation of Malawi will grant Madonna's application to adopt 3-year-old Mercy James. This could clear the way for her interest in adopting another child, an 11 -year-old boy. Critics claim that it wouldn't be as much of an adoption as her simply grooming a future boyfriend. ***

Hey Mister, Watch that Placenta

Thomas Beatie, best known as the pregnant man, has given birth to a second child. Beatie, who is transgendered from a woman to a man has been interviewed on Oprah and appeared bearded and shirtless with enlarged belly in newspapers and magazines the world over. Yet something that annoys me about this story is the media pursuit of validating his claim to be the first pregnant man even though he obviously still has female pluming. Sorry folks, but if you've still got the V-jayjay and Fallopian tubes and facial hair, you are NOT a man. You're a fertile beauty queen from Sicily. *** On to a proven thoroughbred breeder. Kate of Jon & Kate plus 8 could be in need of employment with all the media coverage about the deteriotation of her marriage. Despite Jon's insistance that he didn't stray the two couldn't be further apart emotionally let alone physically on recent episodes and ratings have suffered. But I have hope for Kate and a possible job offer. Researchers at the University of California Davis and Kaiser Permanente are looking for women who are willing to be monitored throughout new pregancies and during their babies early years. Although the study is focused on autism, hey, it's a paycheck. ***
An article appearing on website sources and in my own newspaper featured the headline Bomb Blast in Luxury Pakastani Hotel. Correct me if I'm wrong, but shouldn't a luxury hotel in that part of the world be a room WITHOUT a bomb?

Perspective or Just Rude

Having read the Primetime Network TV schedule for the fall I was wondering, with Animal Planet having placed Whale Wars up against NBC's The Biggest Loser, is that strategy or just plain rude? *** Talking rude, whoever asked Liza Minnelli to sing at last night's Tony Awards was being just that to us viewers. Come on Miss Z, time to sue your lawyer for letting your ex husband get custody of the vocal chords. And what was with that annoying spastic choreography from the poorly chosen Billy Elliot number? It was a treat to see Neil Patrick Harris prove that the show can go on without Hugh Jackman as host and do just as good as a job. *** There should be a law. Especially about accuracy in newspaper article headlines, or could the trouble me from my own warped perspective. I thought a newspaper story titled Protection for Renters was about an apartment complex that was giving residents free condoms. ***

A Little Off the Top

Topless pictures of Britney Spears have popped up on TMZ and other websites and the world is shocked! Shocked that it didn't happen sooner. But is it really that much of a surprise that one who is brainless, actually went topless? *** On the subject of topless, a Maine coffee shop which featured bare breasted waitresses, recently burned to the ground due to a case of arson. Under modern zoning laws, the city fathers claim that the owner will not be able to rebuild a topless house of java without their approval. It's an easy solution. He should just reopen as an erotic candy store and call it Coffee Nips. *** Transformers star Shia LeBeouf will star in Oliver Stone's long time coming followup film to Wall Street, called Money Never Sleeps. Michael Douglas will reprise his role as Gordon Gekko from the 1987 film. Filming begins in August, barely a month before Douglas turns 65 years old. A fact which has caused producers to deny rumors that the original title was going to be Wall Street 2 - Far, I'll Take A Cab. ***

Oh, Those Crazy Kids

The Pennsylvania Department of Labor is monitoring the TV series Jon & Kate Plus Eight for breaking child labor laws. That's outrageous. Kate might be a bossy and demanding shrew but even she sets limits for here kids. No garden weeding after 11pm, they can take up to 5 hours to make sure the shower tile grout is as white as her teeth and the octo-siblings get 20 minutes of play time a day. Now isn't that fair? *** 97 year old Millvina Dean, the oldest surviving passenger of the Titanic has died. As her family are firm believers in cryogenics, Dean will be put on ice - again. *** And you thought America had problems with Octomom. She may be in a run for her money as negligent parent of the year with news about Sarah Quinland from New Zealand. As the story goes, Sarah, made some bids to purchase toys at on online site called TradeMe and then took a nap, without signing off. Her 3 year old daughter felt that the toys weren’t really to her liking so she got on the laptop and after a couple of mouse clicks, purchased a $12,300 Earth moving construction vehicle. Mom discovered the incident after opening the e-mails that confirmed her purchases and the shocking one from her daughter. The daughter will be working off the purchase and go without an allowance until she’s 113 years old. ***

June Entertainment News

As the traditional television season comes to a close it's time for my annual list of Top Ten Hunks on Network TV. In no specific order they are...the man who can get a rise out of the dead - Lee Pace on Pushing Daisies, first having noticed his drool worthiness on those AT&T commercials - Tim Kang from The Mentalist, the smoking hot and sultry Justin Baldoni of Heroes, the always looking young and restless - Shemar Moore of Criminal Minds, proving that scientist are hot under those white coats - T.J. Thyne on Bones, the spy who could keep me out of the cold - Jeffrey Donovan from Burn Notice, the E.M.T. driver who can resuscitate me anytime - Sam Witwer in Smallville, the guy who convinced me that you should eat meat on Fridays - Philip Winchester on Crusoe, that tower of throbbing ectoplasm - Jared Padalecki of Supernatural and vampire blood junkie on True Blood, Mrs. sex on legs - Ryan Kwanten. *** And since we're on the subject of TB - True Blood, that hit HBO series, returns with fresh episodes on June 14th. But more importantly, brings us more fresh flesh from Ryan Kwanten. Joining the cast of regulars are new faces including Evan Rachel Wood as Sophie-Anne, the Vampire Queen of Louisiana. That just might be copyright infringement because that use to be my drag name when I lived in Baton Rouge. Ed Quinn, formerly of the Sci Fi channel series Eureka has also joined the ensemble as Stan, a powerful vampire from - Texas. Which brings to question, George W. Bush sucked and was from Texas, did we ever see him in the daylight???
*** Christopher Street West, those dedicated folks behind the 2009 LA Pride Celebration has chosen E! Entertainment late-night talk show host and comedian, Chelsea Handler and her ethnic version of Ed McMahon, Chuy Bravo as Grand Marshals of this years event. *** In addition to this month's pride celebrations around the world, don't forget our other national Gay holiday on June 7th. It's the 63rd Annual Tony Awards. The live broadcast from Radio City Music Hall will feature Neil Patrick Harris as master of ceremonies. ***
HBO obviously supports the concept of "size matters" with the June 28th premiere of it's latest, head turning series. Titled Hung, the show features Thomas Jane (The Velocity of Gary) as a well endowed, High School basketball coach whose life is crumbling around him. Choosing to climb out of his rut, he decides to prove that he is a really "hard" worker by pursuing a new career with the use of his popular and below-the-belt asset. Though a half hour show, the premiere episode will be, appropriately, "longer," running at 45 minutes. Now if you were expecting me to say "long and uncut" don't hold your breath. So beside the character's appendage, where's the Gay community angle? Well, former Lesbian, Anne Heche plays his estranged wife. Or should we just go for the obvious and use "strange" wife? *** In the wake of Chris Engen walking out of his role on Young and the Restless, just as he was about to film a guy on guy kissing scene has forced CBS to recast his role with former Veronica Mars star Michael Muhney, making his first appearance on June 25. Why anyone, gay or straight, would walk out on the chance to lock lips with the incredibly gorgeous Yani Gellman is beyond comprehension. Press reps for Engen claim the actor left the show because he didn't like the "dark direction" his character was moving toward. That's odd, Yani isn't black. ***
Fans of the tragicly cancelled series, Pushing Daisies, will be treated by casting of Lee Pace in Tom Ford's film, A Single Man. Scheduled for release sometime this year, this film version of Christopher Isherwood's 1964 novel brings the motion picture directorial debut of this fashion icon and former head of Gucci. The cast features Matthew Goode (Brideshead Revisited), Julianne Moore, Colin Firth and Nicholas Hoult (Skins.) Interesting note, Hoult is rumored to be in the upcoming remake of the Ray Harryhausen fantasy classic, Clash of the Titans. But don't count on him to replace the previously seen and scantily clad Harry Hamlin. The remake role of Perseus has gone to Sam Worthington who plays Marcus in Terminator Salvation. Among the actors playing gods are Liam Neeson as Zeus, Danny Huston (Angelica's brother) as Poseiden and Ralph Fiennes as Hades. I know, I know. You were expecting Dick Cheney as Hades, but wouldn't that be blatant type-casting? ***
Almost a year without Project Runway, our next best guilty addiction, Kathy Griffin's My Life on the D-List returns June 8 and will feature Bette Midler this season. Bette Midler? That D-List seems to be moving upward to vowel category.
*** Nobody (sane) can deny the imensely homoerotic focus of the hit film 300 but since that films release, people have asked, what about equal time. Where's the counter point? When are we getting a lesbo-rotic movie for the double x chromosone crowd. Apparently, Watchmen director Zack Snyder shares those concerns and plans to rectify the situation. Ooops, am I going to be accused of being Sapho insensitive for using the word "RECTify?" Snyder has put together a $100 million original action fantasy called Sucker Punch with an all female cast. The film will follow a young woman who fantasizes about escaping from an insance asylum with her fellow crazies. Being described as Alice in Wonderland with machine guns the current production aims for a 2010 release. The cast includes Jena Malone (Saved,) Vanessa Hudgens (High School Musical,) and Jamie Chung (Days of Our Lives.) ***
Heading across the Atlantic to spend time along the Thames this summer? Then don't miss the Gay Icons exhibit at London's National Portrait Gallery July 2 - October 18th. This impressive collection of photographs was a committe which included Sirs Elton John and Ian McKellen and features images of Virginia Woolf and Quentin Crisp. A portrait of George Michael will be hung in the Museums men's room. ***

How Is It Diminished?

In the wake of today's California Supreme Court decision to uphold the legal discriminations provide in Proposition 8 we most look around us to seek out those misinformed, blind faith followers who supported this travesty of justice and ask them ....

HOW? HOW does a marriage between two loving and committed men or two women diminish THEIR marriage? Were they really married in a ceremony in which their vows included the words to love,honor and obey as long as Gay people don't do it too? I have seen far too many news stories on TV or in the newspaper in which they enable the religious right's dogma and hate mongering by repeating the words "protect marriage." Protect marriage from what? Unless you are a polygamist, your vows were between you and your husband or wife. That's it. Not the rest of the world, not society as YOU know it or even approve of it.

Media continues to let the hypocritical right spew terror in the hearts of insecure parents that they will be FORCED to talk about Gay marriage in their own homes when their children happen to watch Gay people get married on TV. Maybe pro Prop 8 parents actually fear that their beliefs are so flawed, that the simple task of "talking" about Gay people with their children will cause their offspring to actually question the shaky ground on which their prejudicial opinions are based. They say marriage was meant to be between a man and a woman. Oh ya? Exactly WHO made that rule. I actually read the box lid for rules to this game called Life and it's not there. They say that research has proven that children are better off being raised by a man and a woman. The ludicrous nature of that argument should force all widowed parents to give up their children.

In the wake of the passage of Prop 8, those who supported it wrote letters to various newspapers, outraged that they were being called hate mongers. Some even wrote things like "I don't hate Gay people, I just don't like when the "flaunt" their lifestyle." First of all, it's not a Life-style, it's a purely rewarding, loving and societal contributing LIFE. As far as "flaunt" since when is doing exactly what heterosexuals do in public, flaunting a lifestyle. If you are offended when we hold hands in public, kiss while walking down the street, or call each other "hon" in the grocery store please feel free to return to your monastery.

But with the confirmation of proposition 8, perhaps a law against those public displays of affection is around the corner. Today's decision is painful to us all but only a battle in the war. In the words of Mahatma Gandhi - "First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win."

As They Say In The Bronx, I'm Outa Work and Need A New Korea

I don't understand the international concern over the announcement that North Korea conducted a nuclear test. It's North Korea for Christ's sake. The test was 40 questions, multiple choice and citizen's had to use a number two pencil. Now the U.N. Security Council has condemned their action which is pretty much like the inattentive mother in a grocery store who keeps telling her 7 year old, "I'm not kidding, don't make me say it again. I SAID, don't make me say it again." *** Welsh pop singer Duffy and sloshed performer Amy Winehouse are supposed to be in the running to belt out the theme for the next James Bond movie. Rumor has it that Duffy's song is called 'Spy Me A River" while the best that can be made out of Amy's mumbled lyrics is that's it's called "I Wanna Throw Up." *** Mel Gibson and girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva are expecting their first child together. I guess that makes Mel a 50/50 Catholic. He obviously follows his religions teaching against using birth control but is perfectly OK with divorcing his wife. You just gotta love those ala carte believers. ***

Trading Arms

Another case of the importance of choosing your words wisely was exhibited during a recent CNN broadcast. At one point, the on air newscaster was reporting about a new prosthetic development which is helping the disabled. After describing a husband and father who lost both arms in a factory accident, either the reporter, teleprompter writer or both used poor judgment with the words "thanks to new CUTTING edge technology......." Say what???? I may have damaged my DVR by rewinding the scene 12 times in one of those 'She did not just say that" moments. ***

As I am house and cat sitting for a family member I've decided to pass along lessons I've learned in the form of 'Rules for the Cat.'

Rule #1 - No darting across my feet when I walk in the door loaded with groceries and suitcases.
Rule #2 - When using the liter box, a complete sand covering is required. Or grow opposable thumbs and learn to use the glade aerosol can.
Rule #3 - Since I am single and not dating, stop showing off as to how you can lick yourself.
Rule #4 - When I am in bed reading, do not lick my face. As I have just gotten into bed I have obviously already exfoliated.
Rule #5 - When I am sleeping, do not crawl onto my chest and sharpen your claws into my chest.
and Rule #6 - When I am tr7ying, t4ryoinng, TRYING to type on my laptop, STOP hitting my hand with your paw to make me pet you!

President C-3PO

The Walt Disney Company will unveil the 44th president of the United States in animatronic form at Disney World on July 4th. Consisting of flexible silicone skin, electrical cables and such, the latest addition to the 'Hall of Presidents' is being referred to in the press as "Robo-Obama." Though the people at the House at that Mickey built won't say how much the automat democrat cost but you can be sure it was a hefty sum. Although not as much as the George W. Bush entry in the exhibit. That one cost considerably less and wasn't animatronic. It was portrayed by a guy named Delbert who was the magic Kingdoms understudy for Goofy. ***Continuing the new fad of celebrities notifying their fans of instant news via Twittering, Mariah Carey has announced the title of her next CD. The name will be - Memoirs of an Imperfect Angel. Though it may remind some of an early Courtney Love album called 'Memoirs of Imperfect Angel Dust.'

One Gender's Word

OK, call me a nitpicker but I couldn't help but laugh at an interview from the May 3rd issue of Frontier in LA magazine. The article was on model, actor, rapper and medical assistant Bryan Michael King and now the issue wasn't the fact that the author failed to ask, why can't you just pick one career but one of his answers. To the question, "What's the best piece of advice you've ever been given?" The multi faceted 24-year-old replied "A man or woman is nothing without HIS word." Don't ask, but do tell. **** Psychologist Ronald Nathan, who specializes in stress management, has developed a CD titled 'Road Rage Happens: Be Prepared' with the aim of reducing the estimated two-thirds driver who experience hostility when on the road. The recording was named best audio by Books and Authors Best of 2008 Awards and by the International Union of Divorced Father's in the Rears On Child Support. An earlier version of Nathan's work was released in book form but was discovered to be counter productive to it's theme when a number of drivers were involved in collisions while reading it. ***

Beauty Queen of Tomorrow

I would like to take this opportunity to announce, as of today, I will be documenting my experiences in an unofficial study which I am calling 'Your Child Is Dumb As Dirt If...' Today's observance took place at an In & Out Burger where I noticed a small blond five-year-old girl attempting to refill her soda on her own. While I am often concerned whenever I notice small children out of eye sight of their parent or a supervising adult, I wasn't surprised to see this small toe headed little girl, struggling to reach up over the counter. With impressive determination she finally got her cup under the dispenser. Unfortunately, the soda counter was on the other side of the room and she was putting her cup under a ketchup dispenser. I predict that I was watching a future Ms. California USA in action. It's alright. Go ahead. Weep for our future. *** Since last week, media have been reporting about which celebrities and politicians are giving commencement speeches at various educational institutions around the country. Though I've come across a list of some that have gone unreported, I wanted to share just a few. Gary Busey spoke at the final 12 step meeting in a Bakersfield La Quinta Inn. Chris Brown provided the closing words for a self defense course in Detroit. John and Kate without the 8 were the guest speakers at a couples therapy class in Denver. Hilary Clinton left words of encouragement on the last night of a two week 'Do-It-Yourself' divorce class at Valley Forge Adultery, I mean, Adult School and George W. Bush gave the commencement address for the next graduating class of FEMA employees. All three of them. Curly, Moe and Larry.

I Now Pronounce You . . .

Hollywood and Entertainment news sources were reeling at the recent news that Heidi Montag twittered the world to announce her marriage to Spencer Pratt. I'd like to take this opportunity to say to the happy couple - WHO THE HELL ARE YOU PEOPLE??? *** Autopsy results for the late porn star Marilyn Chambers, were released today. The coroners findings showed that erotic actress died of Tart - I mean, Heart Disease. *** A National study on 600 children with ADHD, followed from kindergarten through fifth grade has shown that those who were on medication for their disorder, scored higher on academic tests than those not on medication. However, the conclusion also confirmed that they tested higher than if they weren't allowed coffee or caffeinated drinks prior to taking the tests. Ah, yes. Your government dollars at work. ***

No Place Like Nome

Alaska Governor Sarah Palin has signed a book deal with Harper Collins to publish her memoirs. Scheduled to come out in Spring of 2010, the work will be 12 pages long, double spaced and written in crayon. Detailing her personal and private life, the book will be titled will be 'So Juneau What I Know.' *** Former U.S. Surgeon General Antonia Novello is facing up to 12 years in prison from charges filed in Albany New York, last Tuesday. All stemming from her time as New York Health commissioner the indictments include using staff to perform personal services including chauffeuring her on personal shopping sprees, picking up her dry cleaning, watering house plants while she was out of town and on two occasions, using a housekeeper to fill in for two scheduled pap smears. *** North Carolina law enforcement have reported that a store owner and a customer foiled an attempted robbery by a teenager who concealed a banana in his pocket while claiming it was a gun. After being overtaken and held for the police, the teen waiting calmly and ate the banana. Seriously, it was in the report. Of course, the incident has coined a new phrase in their sleepy Southern town, "Is that a banana in your pocket or are you trying to rob me?"

No Lap Dancing in the Voting Booth

Louisiana born porn star, Stormy Daniels has announced that she is considering a run for the U.S. Senate. Or was that running "after" a U.S. Senator. When a member of the press inquired as to her positions, Daniels surprised the crowd by not referring to a page in the Kama Sutra. It has since come to light that the adult film star fell into politics by accident due to her misunderstanding of the the word "Caucus." *** Donald Trump has decided that Miss California USA had done nothing wrong and can keep her crown. Which I really don't mind, as long as they alter her royal headware. Though she is known as a beauty "Queen" the crown should feature the more accurate title of "Ignorant PAWN of the Right Wing." *** Last week, Amy Winehouse canceled a concert in the Caribbean due to heavy rain. But that's good news coming from someone whose history of drug use has previously canceled performances due to.... Heavy Snow. *** In other news, there appears to be two concession stand workers from Yellowstone National Park who share the brain of Amy Winehouse. The two twentysomething Bill and Ted wannabee's were caught on a surveillance camera while urinating in the Old Faithfull geyser. One was fined $750 and placed on three years probation for urinating in public and being off trail in a restricted area while his partner's case is pending. A park spokesman reported that the geyser was not erupting at the time. Well to be more accurate, at least the BIG geyser wasn't erupting.

White House Photo Studio

President Obama is trying to prevent photos of prisoner abuse in Iraq and Afghanistan from being made public, while claiming that their release could jeopardize soldiers abroad and threaten national security. This despite administration lawyers failing to make their case in court recently. It seems inevitable that the photos will be released and the delay just allows the government more time to doctor the photos. But not in the conspiracy way we grew accustomed to with the Bush office. The Obama administration are simply trying to decide on the Autumn leave forest or snow covered bridge backdrop. *** A beat up antique ledger book containing the original recipe for Dr. Pepper failed to sell at a recent Dallas auction. The book came from the Texas drugstore where the beverage was created, did not receive the minimum reserve bid of $25,000. I'm not surprised, after all the recipe for Dr. Pepper is simple. Equal parts Pepsi and cough syrup. *** A local Sacramento Hair Salon is staging it's third, in as many months, "Cut-a-thon" to help raise funds for a local hospital. The extra good news is that this fundraising idea has branched out to other salons and businesses. As a matter of fact, the local synagogue, Temple Beth-a-Holmes Angartens is planning a cut-a-thon for new borns this weekend.

Jail Bait

Survivor" winner Richard Hatch, has been released from jail early from his four year sentence for tax evasion. Hatch's original defense was his claim that CBS told him that they would pay the taxes yet he thought nothing of the fact he cashed a check for the full one million. Known for being the Gay naked guy on the CBS reality show, he was released early for "good behavior." When interviewed by the parole board a number of his fellow cellmates reported that Hatch had exhibited very"good behavior" on many, many occasions. *** Hatch may have started a trend. California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and his administration are looking into the possibility of an early release for 38,000 inmates. The effort aims at reducing the state's budget crisis with one facet being the cost of housing prisoners. Democrats are not so convinced of the benefits and suspect that the governor is simply trying to increase the rosters of dwindling Republican voters. ****
A man who escaped from a Virginia prison in 1982, was finally arrested in Georgia yesterday. Law enforcement claim to have been looking for him but the details surrounding his capture convey otherwise. The missing convict, Richard Paul Boucher was located in Northern Georgia, living with his wife in a trailer park in the woods of an Appalachian valley. Now isn't that where you SHOULD be looking for an escape con to begin with?

Gumbo Girl Goes to Washington

Louisiana born porn star, Stormy Daniels has announced that she is considering a run for the U.S. Senate. Or was that running "after" a U.S. Senator. When a member of the press inquired as to her positions, Daniels surprised the crowd by not referring to a page in the Kama Sutra. It has since come to light that the adult film star fell into politics by accident due to her misunderstanding of the the word "Caucus." *** Donald Trump has decided that Miss California USA had done nothing wrong and can keep her crown. Which I really don't mind, as long as they alter her royal headware. Though she is known as a beauty "Queen" the crown should feature the more accurate title of "Ignorant PAWN of the Right Wing." *** Last week, Amy Winehouse canceled a concert in the Caribbean due to heavy rain. But that's good news coming from someone whose history of drug use has previously canceled performances due to.... Heavy Snow. ***

Budapest Nuptials

Hungary, the country that taught Zsa Zsa Gabor that multiple husbands is a good thing, continues it's support of marriage by passing a law allowing same sex domestic partnership. Oddly, the legislation prohibits Gay and lesbian couples from adopting children together. Personally, I think that's a bunch of goulash! *** Talk about kicking a dead horse. Though NBC cancelled the revived version of American Gladiator, series creator Johnny Ferraro is developing a movie based on the show. Network series turned into motion pictures have a history of being flops, Beverly Hillbillies, Get Smart, or anything based on a skit from Saturday Night Live so Gladiator producers are going for an action film using gladiator characters from the show. To increase it's chances of becoming a film franchise, a few titles are being considered, Gladiators of the Carribean, Gladiators of the Corn or Saw Gladiators. A few new testosterone characters would be introduced to join familiar names as Nitro and Titan. If the producers really wanted to expand their audience base they should create some Gay characters with names like Hemline, Exfolliate and Bitchslap.

An Ear for Dancing

According to Time magazine, a new book claims that Vincent Van Gogh did not cut off his own ear but lost it in a knife fight. Of course it's a ridiculous claim since everybody knows that Van Gogh lost his ear after refusing to do a portrait of Mike Tyson. *** Just when you thought the six degrees of Kevin Bacon game was over, an Ohio fundamentalist Baptist school, removes the dustcover of Footloose to punish a 17-year-old student. It seems that Tyler Frost, was warned that he would be, not only suspended but prevented from graduating if he attended a dance at another school all because his Alma matter forbids, dancing, rock music, hand holding and thinking for yourself. The young man says he went to the other school's dance because he wanted to experience a prom while his stepfather's says that those rules don't apply off of school grounds. If the school takes action to suspend the boy, his family will file a lawsuit. Now there's another cause to which I will gladly donate money. ****

Don't run, you'll break a hip

I couldn't help but notice a piece of mail my mom received from AARP. The outside read "Open Immediatley," why? are there prospective members dying before theyopen their mail? *** In Stockton today, a father of a 10 month old baby, to his two children to an animal shelter to look at cats but was told that adoptions took place at another location. In his haste to get there before the other branch closed, he took the older child but left the baby, in it's carrier, outside the shelter building. It was 15 minutes later when he discovered she was missing. His excuse to authorities was that, it's becoming a frightening cliche' phrase, "I forgot." *** Amy Winhouse was hospitalized AGAIN on April 30th. Taken to London's St. Lucia hospital, the 25 year-old (but looks 55) was treated for dehydration. Source say that frequent hospitalization doesn't bother the singer. I bet! She's a trooper dealing with needles and having things put up his nose like oxygen and feeding tubes.

TV for Cousin Bubba

I have discovered a cure for boredom and monotony. When one is feeling low, and mentally idle, such a sense of yawn excessiveness is easily dispelled by a simple series of keyboard clicks. No doctor visits or prescriptions required, just go to www.rfdtv.com. It is the website for a self described 24-hour television network for rural America. How it reaches it's audience is unclear though I expect it requires some aluminum foil and rabbit ears. How can such an Internet location cure the blahs, simply by reminding one that other lives are even more boring than theirs. But don't stop at the main page because the program schedule is the real secret. Scan the listings and discover such treats as Ms. Lucy's Cajun Classroom, Training Mules and Donkeys, Animal Makeover, The Horse Show with Rick Lamb (not to be confused with The Cow Show with Bill Goat) and Cowboy Flavor which I've sadly discovered, is not a series version of Brokeback Mountain.

Over-Due Weekend Away

I was trying to remember the last time I was on a vacation let alone spent a night away from home. When one hits and passes middle age, the number of slumber party invitations diminish significantly. Before we left Ohio in 1995, Edward and I took many weekend getaways as I worked for the Hyatt Hotel chain and was provided free stays at Hyatt properties. Though not sure which would qualify as my "last" vacation/weekend, it would be among, Chicago, New York City, or Washington DC. But based on lower standards of simply being away from home over night, would have to be a little over two years ago, when spending the night in Edward's hospital room at UCSF. That is why my nephew Steven's generosity in asking me to apartment and cat sit in San Francisco this past weekend, meant so much to me.

I had invited friends to pick a day and drive down to do something together but none were available. As such, I simply stayed in, relaxed from some pressures at home, played with the cat, caught up on some movies and fell in love with the new HBO (BBC imported) series 'The No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency.' Though on the day I arrived, I did shop in the Castro and pick up some food, the rain came in that night and it's been rather a drenched atmosphere since then.

His apartment is in Diamond heights and though doesn't face downtown, provided me a wonderful evening view of fog cascading over the hillside as the glow of homes flickered beneath the mist. Yesterday, I walked over to the Safeway and passed visitor's parking area where I noticed the same two cars parked since I arrived on Friday. It was an issue of note because they are only three spaces and a Jaguar was parked straddling one of the lines, thus taken up two spaces. I believe straddling the line is called a Robert Downey Jr. manuever. Anyway, one couldn't help but notice that the Jag had three notes attached to the rain soaked windows and chunks of paper residue from past notes that had deteriorated in the rain. One still legible note read, "what sort of idiot are you, taking up two parking spaces. Jesus hates you and so do I." I believe that's a quote from the Ten CAR-mandments.

Entertainment News for May 2009

Here's the latest word on the L Word spin off series. Though only a pilot movie, Showtime has decided to give it a pass as a series but will probably still air it. Originally called 'The Farm,' it stars Leisha Hailey, playing Alice after she's been convicted for murder and is spending time in a women's prison in Humboldt County. The cast includes Famke Janssen (Jean Grey from The X-Men) with Laurie Metcalf (Roseanne) as the Prison Warden. Ilene Chaiken is both writer and producer. *** Though not cast in The Farm, Jennifer Beals has been busy working on a Network series. if you caught the April 29th episode of the FOX series Lie To Me, you saw the first episode of a multiple episode story arc featuring Beals in a recurring role. The Flashdancer has also been working on the motion picture The Book of Eli starring Denzel Washington. Described as a Post-apocalyptic western, it is clear that the producers never heard of the Kevin Costner film The Postman and what a bomb it was. At least be unique and set it in a world of only water. ***
Another L Word veteran was in the news, as Kelly McGillis, has come out and pronounced her love for women. In a website interview, the 51 year-old actress, relayed how she struggled with her sexuality as it was counter to her religious up-bringing. Ironic that Kelly played a closeted Army colonel on the L Word. So naturally one has to consider the cliche question about art imitating life and vice verse. *** This years edition of Dancing with the Stars has really taken a toll on celebrity performers. Jewell dropped out due to a fractured tibiae, Jack-ass star Steve-O hurt his back and Steve Wozniak (founder of Apple computers) fractured his foot. I'm mostly disappointed about the Woz because I was waiting for his rendition of a - "Laptop dance." At this rate of injury, here are some of my suggestions for celebrity contestants on the next edition of Dancing with the Stars, Elizabeth Taylor, Jose Feliciano and Dr. Steven Hawking. *** Delayed from last November, the recently settled lawsuit over Project Runway's move to Lifetime will bring the return of the fashion-forward series this summer. And just in time too as unemployment benefits were about to run out for Nina Garcia, Michael Koors and Tim Gunn. The new deal with lifetime includes 5 more seasons of Project Runway, the creation of a spin-off series called "Models of the Runway" and a third show called "Project Pygmalion." During it's hiatus, Bravo created a new show to satiate fashionistas called The Fashion Show. This latest design competition debuts May 7th, with 15 contestants creating their concepts of couture. Isaac Mizrahi and and former Destiny's Child singer, Kelly Rowland will co-host and judge. Among this years hopefuls are 31-year-old Andrew, an LA designer known for his underwear line and the nickname of Panty-Christ. 26-year-old Johnny R of San Diego whose adventurous style is found in his Grandma's Glock Streetwear line, and 30-year-old New York designer Laura whose creations have been worn by Moby and the Scissor Sisters. . ***
For years, fans of Jane Lynch (The 40 Year Old Virgin) have had to make due with her occasional film appearance and now, we get to enjoy her talents weekly with the May 19th preview airing of Glee on Fox. It comes from Ryan Murphy, the creator of Popular and Nip/Tuck and features Lynch as a hard as nails high school coach who screams "you think this is hard? I'm living with Hepatitis and THAT'S hard!" I can't think of anybody more perfect to utter a line like that. The one hour musical comedy begins with a teacher's desire to take over the Glee club and transform them into National contenders. The cast includes Matthew Morrisson (As the World Turns), Emma Pillsbury (Ugly Betty,) and Cory Monteith (Kyle XY.). Watch for out Gay actor, Cheyenne Jackson to appear in the show's third episode. But don't get too excited. The May preview is just a sampling before the show debuts as a regular series in the Fall*** The LOGO network had it's highest ratings ever with the recent airing of RuPaul's drag race. But that record may be broken with this months' debut of the series Beautiful People. Best described as a cross between Fame, Ugly Betty and Absolutely Fabulous it's no surprise that it comes from Jon Plowman, one of the producers of Ab Fab. The six episode series originally aired across the Atlantic on BBC Two and is based on the best-selling over-the-top childhood memoirs of Simon Doonan, creative director of Barneys, New York. The show explores the world of Simon and Kyle, two gay high school mates who are obsessed with the performing arts. In one scene, the two boys sit in a pub with their drama teacher as she reminisces about a long lost french lover "Francios said my tits were like two upturned creme brulee, - without the burnt bits on the bottom." You can catch HYSTERICAL clips of the show before it's American premiere on Youtube. Just search Beautiful People BBC Two. I predict viewing parties all over the nation. *** Sure, the movie Spartacus was remade as a TV miniseries with ER's Goran Visjnic and you're thinking why on Earth would someone bother again. Well, it never made it to a regular TV series and it never starred Xena Warrior Princess, Lucy Lawless. Coming next year to the Starz pay cable channel, it's called Spartacus: Blood and Sand, not to be confused with Spartacus: Roman Celebrity Apprentice. It comes from Xena producers Sam Raimi and Rob Tapert, which explains how Lawless got cast in the role of one of the owners of Spartacus. Also in the cast are Erin Cummings (Dollhouse), Craig Parker (Legend of the Seeker) and, playing the title role of the Roman soldier who becomes a slave is Australian actor Andy Whitfield. *** And finally, if you are as much a fan of the brilliant and under appreciated ABC series Pushing Daisies as I am, you'll be thrilled to learn, the last three, unaired episodes will begin airing on Saturdays beginning May 30th. The complete season 2, and final season, DVD set will be released this summer.

How Much Is That Daughter In The Window

OK, not that I need anything else to make me feel older but I wish I didn't know that the Ellen Degeneres TV talk show has been on the air 6 years this week. WOW! *** Ah to be young again is not exactly in my vocabulary after reading that the father of 9-year-old Slumdog Millionaire star Rubina Ali who has been accused of trying to sell her to a wealthy couple in Dubai. Which is just horrifying news. Did this guy never hear of Madonna? The father, Rafiq Qureshi used the excuse "we got nothing out of this film!" and blamed his brother Moiuddin who actually helped boost the original asking price from $75,000. Apparently the child's value went up after her family took for a free appraisal on the popular Southeast Asian TV show 'Batik Roadshow.' *** The Palm Beach area of Florida is being inundated with abandoned pets. Private pools often host iguanas that were once birthday gift, undeveloped land between condo high-rises are home to fluffy brown and white bunnies, peacocks wander freely from yard to yard and even the occasional former yellow Easter chick, grown into a large white chicken, wakes up residents in the early morning hours. To address this breeding frenzy, communities have implemented new and stricter pet adoptions laws. To deal with the most dangerous of the critter infestation is a law that requires anyone buying a python to purchase a $100 annual permit and to have a microchip implanted in the serpent. Some sources will allow the purchase of a more expensive chip that upon death of the snake will become a belt buckle. This allows the owner to sell the carcass as a fashion accessory and re-coupe their licensing fees. ***

Hypocarps

USA Today reports that officials in the state of Utah are embarking on the country's largest Carp removal project, ever. Apparently carp feed on the bottoms of lakes and destroy vegetation that provides shelter for fish called, June suckers. Wait a minute isn't that what Utah conservatives call Gay People during pride month? Since they're worried about Carp removal, in the wake of the Mormon's church's illegal funding for the yes on California's Proposition 8 campaign, let's start a Utah CRAP removal project. *** I don't know why so many people are alarmed by the news that one kid out of every four children in the United States is obese. Obviously, the fat kid in each group, eats up all the food while the other four don't get any. *** The president of Pakistan's says that his intelligence agencies believe Osama bin Laden may be dead, yet also stated that there is no proof. But others, including additional Pakistani officials and a U.S. counter terrorism official believe that the al-Qaida chief is alive. Upon further investigation, it has come to light that the Pakistani leader also believes that cracking your knuckles will give you arthritis and that you should wait one hour, after eating, before getting back into a pool but that that it's perfectly OK if you dive in sooner. ***

Is the Flu Virus, God's Creature?

As international concern grows over the swine flu outbreak in Mexico, where the public is walking around wearing protective masks, I was wondering. What happens when the swine flu infects a Muslim or a Jew??? When they develop a vaccine, will it be kosher? *** A Pew Research Center study shows significant changes in what Americans view as must-have items, today versus three years ago. Such changes were seen as, 21% fewer people see a microwave as a necessity. 17% less consider a clothes dryer as a household requirement, and the number of folks who can't live without a dishwasher went down by 14%. Ironically, the percentage of those who viewed cell phones and computers as must-haves, did not change. Are you as surprised as I am? OK, raise your hands. How many thought that the Pew Research Center did studies on perfume? ***
On a similar note, I have concluded a study from my own foundation which I call the P U Research Center. The results of my unfunded and totally partial study has shown a striking change in parenting skills over the last thirty years. Unlike when I was a kid, an alarming number of parents don't care if their kids take nude photos of themselves and send them over their cell phone, have no idea where their kids are at any time of day, have never taught their children the phrase "indoor voice," and think joint custody is sharing marijuana with their kids. ***

Olympics are special

Catching up on recent episodes of HBO's Real Time with Bill Maher, I loved his joke about Barak Obama's recent appearance on Jay Leno in which the President compared his bowling skills to those of a special Olympics athlete. Bill added "The special Olympians and people with down syndrome have actually bowled a perfect 300 game. Which goes to prove what I've always believed - Bowling is retarded!" *** 64-year-old actress, Mia Farrow is on a hunger strike to draw attention to the war-torn suffering people of Darfur. As a waifish, Dickens street urchin figure of a woman all her life, the question remains, how can we really tell WHEN she's not eating? *** ABC has decided to revive the night time edition of Who Want's To Be A Millionaire, complete with host Regis Philbin. Though if the network was socially and economically sensitive, they'd call it, Who Want's To Have A Salary? ***

To Seek New Life and ....,

Amazingly detailed photos of Saturn, it's rings and surrounding moons, have been released to the press by NASA. Taken by the Cassini explorer spacecraft, the craft has exceeded expectations of it's original 4 years mission and may last through to 2010. NASA has hopes for in depth photos of Uranus that should arrive from the spacecraft Proctology 3 in late September. *** Scary looking governor Bobby Jindal has contracted to write a book. If he goes with an autobiography, it should be called "Stop Staring, I'm Not a Cadaver." *** A 53 year old former schooteacher is raising eyebrows as she runs for political office in India. Even before Indira Ghandi became a politician, women have held leadership roles but what is controversial, even today, is that she hails from the Dalits, a group formerly known as the "Untouchables" class. Before I looked it up, I thought it meant that Elliot Ness was her father. Americans are often shocked by news of a country with such archaic class systems but seem to forget that we have the same thing in the good ol US of A. It's called "Place of Birth: West Virgina."

The First Pet

I guess it's supposed to be good news that the Obama's have finally brought a new dog into the White House. The bad news is what type of dog - it's Amy Winehouse! *** Shocking news that Denise Richards won her fight with ex Charlie Sheen to be able to feature her daughters in the second season of her E! reality TV show. I say "shocking" in response to the news that there WILL be a second season. *** The trend toward "healthier" fast food continues. KFC has announced a new line of food called KGC which stands for Kentucky GRILLED Chicken. Cultural differences will require a different promotional campaign In branches around the world. In China, the product will be referred to as KMSG, in Russian it is called KGB and in Lesbian bars it's referred to as kd Lang.

Deadly Children

With all the recent disturbing news about Somali pirates and the international terror they are causing, I am expecting some type of re-branding effort to occur in defense of what will shortly be defined as Sea Faring Opportunists. Don't be surprised, after all, the guys standing at the entrance to a Home Depot store who came here illegally are simply "undocumented," graffiti vandals are now called "Taggers" and the girl who had unprotected sex with some guy she barely knows, dubs him "baby daddy." Today's news brings a report that now the Pirates have captured four ships and took more than 60 crew members hostage.
The ocean terrorists have vowed revenge for the deaths of 3 fellow thugs at the hands of U.S. snipers who aided in the rescue of Capt. Richard Phillips, as well as for two others who were killed by French forces in another recent rescue. One Sea-E-O, speaking for the pirates, said "Our latest hijackings were meant to show that no one can deter us from protecting our waters from the enemy because we believe in dying for our land." Ok, give me this guys e-mail address so that I can write and explain to this doofus, YOU'RE on water you Idiot. Go back to land if you want to "protect" your land!" In another example of his MENSA qualifications, the guy told the Associated Press, by telephone. "The recent American operation, French navy attack on our colleagues or any other operation mean nothing to us." OK, so if it means "Nothing" to you, why are you vowing "revenge." ***
Clearly, stupidity isn't limited to the gulf area, as North Korea continues to exhibit the genius of a FEMA Director. In the wake of their recent boast of another missile test, which failed to reach orbit, their government has now expelled The International Atomic Energy Agency inspectors because the UN Security Council noticed and criticized that missile launch. Sure they pout, throw a tantrum and stomp home alone with their toys, but unfortunately, in this case, their toys are - Uranium. **

Meeting Edward

April 11th, 2009
was the 2nd anniversary of the death of my beloved Edward. The man who was my world for 22 years. In his honor, this is the story of how we met.


On Saturday, December 15th, 1984, a knight in shining armor entered a San Francisco shop called 'Headlines.' A shop employee, named Nathaniel, spotted the dashing Edward as he strolled through the gift ware department. Insisting his co-worker take her lunch first, Nathaniel secured the opportunity to meet and greet this man who would change his life. While providing the best possible customer service, Nathaniel learned that intelligence, heart and soul, were aligned in this 6'4" man with silver screen looks. And then fate allowed him to wonder, could this page from a fairytale be attracted to a simple 26 year old store clerk? The answer was found. Common interests were discovered, sense of humors were aligned and a sparkle in the eyes echoed between them. Though the minutes they shared seemed like hours, Edward chose his purchase. Another sign, it was Nathaniel's favorite piece of sculpture in the store. The image of a face gently kissing the hand of another. A classic, universal image without reference to gender and a reminder of ... possibilities.
The seconds passed fleetingly and the dreaded goodbye was at hand. Which fork in the river would this swan take? Would the two meet again? Nathaniel had been working on an upcoming art show for a friend, and urged Edward to attend and wrote the time, date and location on the back of his sales receipt. After an affirmed yes for attendance, the awkward adieu sent Edward out the store to catch his bus down Van Ness avenue. Loosing sight of him as he rounded the corner, Nathaniel rushed back into the store to locate Edward's full name and phone number off the charge draft.
The days passed and not nearly fast enough. On December 18Th, a large number of guests arrived at Atlas Savings and Loan building (the first Gay Bank in San Francisco) on the corner of Market and Duboce. Flowing past celebrity portraits, cocktails and refreshments, Nathaniel acted as host, introducing those previously unfamiliar with other guests, pairing off those with similar interest, all the while, scanning the crowd for the arrival of the one most eagerly awaited. The moment came and there was Edward focusing his emerald green eyes on a stunning portrait of Natalie Wood. But the duties of host restricted Nathaniel's movement as he had just introduced a local news photographer to a San Francisco supervisor. It took some time to identify their common interest and then he excused himself to seek his quest. Yet, the object he sought was gone. Searches of the upstairs balcony, rear hallways and side parking lot proved futile. The swan had flown and taken Nathaniel's heart with him.
Days and weeks passed. Nathaniel could not understand how the door of fate had closed so suddenly. The new year of 1985 arrived. Not one to make resolutions, Nathaniel vowed to find the missing prince who had fled the ball and failed to leave so much as a shoe behind. Searching through the phone book and numerous contacts to 411 information line, a number was located and a nervous hand dialed. What would he say, how would he answer? Would there be a dial tone after he did? Alas, no answer and the fears vanished. For the moment. Nathaniel grieved at having come so close to the soul mate of which we all aspire but to witness the potential vanish before him. On Wednesday, January 30th, Nathaniel made one last valiant attempt to reconnect with Edward. Why this date, why this time of day, why even bother again? There were no other answer save for a voice inside which whispered, "Do not give up!"
This time the ringing of the phone ended with a voice saying "Hello?" After bumbling an introduction and reminder of our first meeting, Edward warmed to the caller. Maybe it was the flattery of someone so persistent in tracking him down or perhaps it was the memory of Nathaniel's longing brown eyes. A date was made for the next evening, Thursday, January 31st. Edward was to meet Nathaniel at the street level entrance to the Castro/Market subway system. From there the two would head downtown and take a cable car up Powell Street to attend a play which Nathaniel was to review for a local paper. Nathaniel arrived at the designated meeting site, in time to witness the blankets of fog flow over twin peaks and down into the Eureka Valley. Nathaniel checked his watch and saw it was 7:10pm yet Edward was nowhere to be found. Waiting a few more minutes, he went to a pay phone and called Edward's number but no response. But why only a phone call? Well, it was 1985 and texting had yet to be invented. At 7:30pm Nathaniel debated as to whether to attend the production alone or return home to lick his emotional wounds. Close again and yet so very far. Remembering his obligation to review the play, he ran down the escalator to board the Muni Train which had just pulled up to the platform. Having virtually lept through the doors as they swiftly closed behind him, He glanced down the length of the train aisle only to gaze upon the face of Edward. Then they shared the curve of a smile as they silently observed the fateful coincidence. After sincerest apologies, Edward explained his delay and added that he was going to the theatre where he hoped to find Nathaniel. Nathaniel explained that only moments earlier, he was close to heading home and missing the play. The consequences would certainly have prevented the two from meeting again.
They evening went well, despite Edward's frequent trips to the men's room. It was eventually discovered the the fear of a bladder infection was actually Edward fear and disgust of blood. The play was Dracula and every moment of stage strewn plasma sent his stomach into upheaval and a run for the restroom for cold paper towel compress. The two and a half hours as audience members provided little time to talk and become better acquainted, yet the time after the show did. Upon the evening's conclusion, fear removed their abilities to say "goodbye" and Edward found the courage to say "Until tomorrow." Nathaniel remembers the sudden realization that this was a union meant to be. Edward realized his life was about to change. Over the following weeks, the two went out on dates almost every night. They presented quite the dashing couple at cabaret shows, films screenings, fundraisers and theatre performances all over the city by the bay. They persevered, overcame obstacles, grew closer as the years advanced and showed the world that fairy tales do come true.
In later years, Edward's health faded. They didn't live in a castle, were no longer seen at court functions and found the dragons a bit harder to slay. Yet, these two princes held such love for each other that poetry wallowed, roses faded and legends paled in comparison.
In 2007, five Weeks after Edward died Nathaniel wrote the following in his diary -
"It's going on five weeks and while voices of support have have used the cliche phrase of "it'll get better" I can only confirm that "it gets different. Today I only cried six times yet I find that the tears seem to come at the most unexpected moments. The first few weeks of sorting through his things, our things and surprising discoveries, there were the anticipated times of emotional overwhelm. Just when you think you are bit closer to the assemblage of a normal life, crashing down falls the glacier of protection you built around your heart. One morning I sat in Edward's closet, sorting through clothing, smelling his cologne on a shirt and savoring the aroma of his shampoo on a sweater. At the bottom of the closet I found a plastic container full of his expensive sweaters, many still holding tags marked Barney's, Bergdorfs, etc. On the bottom was an out-of-theme pair of faded blue jeans. Perplexed, I carefully lifted out of the container and noticed a piece of paper peaking out of the back pocket. As I unfolded it and read the handwritten words, the foundation of a healing heart was torn asunder once more. Upon the note were these words "The jeans I wore on my first date with Nathaniel - January 31st, 1986." Fortunately, there was a handkerchief in the other pocket.

Korean Missionaries in Space

Mormon church president Thomas S. Monson asked members not to be discouraged by others who malign or ridicule the church as it tries to hold fast to its moral values in modern times. I must say he's right, they should be discouraged by the members of their own church whose hypocrisy brings ridicule down around them. *** The recent Korean missile which was supposed to sending a Korean satellite into orbit, but fell into pieces and landed in the ocean, was declared a success by the government. I guess the fact it exploded in a giant fireworks display which spelled out the words "Kimchee's Tofu Palace" could be a qualified success. *** The cheapest car ever made (not counting the Gremlin) has been unveiled by Indian automaker Tata motors, called the Nano. With a name like Tata forget the headroom, how much chest room is there. It comes in at 10' feet long, seats four people and is being sold in India for just around $2000. Which means, you don't have to be a slumdog millionaire just to afford one. *** Ok, I want to go on record saying that I felt old enough already before I became aware of a number of TV producers attempting to revive the 1990s. On Wednesday, April 15th, Mayim Bialik, the star of the 1990 TV series Blossom will appear on an episode of Bones and a few days later on April 19th, her costar and big brother from that show, Joey Lawrence, costars with Melissa Joan Hart in the ABC Family channel's made-for-TV movie 'My Fake Fiance.' I'll give them 6 months to air the sequel 'My Fiance Fakes It." ***

To Serve and Wear Protection

Oh puleeeze. Levi Johnston, baby daddy to Bristol Palin's child, was interviewed on Tyra Banks and when asked if he practiced safe sex all the time he said "yes." Even AFTER Tyra asked him, "and you did so, during what lead to the pregnancy?" And again he said yes. But to help him seem less of the idiot he is, Tyra volunteered, "Guess it was some sort of wardrobe malfunction?" Pushing the issue of constant condom use further, Levi finally said, "Well, most of the time." Right, and he blows out matches, most of the time, before throwing them in a trash can and removes the car keys when he goes to the ammo shop, most of the time. Forget Korean missile tests, I live in fear of Heterosexual teenage men. *** The recent Green Home Expo in Sacramento featured a novel new concept in building recycling, kitchen counter tops made from recycled windshield glass and Skyy Vodka bottles. Event security spent most of the day asking attendees Not to lick the counter tops. *** Star of the TV series, Dog Whisperer, Cesar Millan, is now an American Citizen. Not one to rain on his parade but it's a funny thing that a man who teaches animals to go ON the paper, actually has papers of his own. ***

You Have The Right To Remain Stupid

In the wake of the multiple contestant injuries on ABC's Dancing with the Stars comes news that it's more dangerous over on FOX's So You Think You Can Dance. Alex De Silva, a choreographer and performer from the show was arrested by LAPD on four counts of rape stemming from 2003 through 2009. Sources state that all the victims were dancing students of his at the time. Bail was set at 3.8 million and if it can be posted, De Silva will be appearing on the new series "So You Thought You Could Get Away With It." *** And the celebrity arrests continue. Redmond O'Neal, son of Farrah Fawcett and Ryan O'Neal, arrived at a California jail to visit a friend and upon entering a security checkpoint, officers discovered drugs, which Redmond was attempting to smuggle in for the friend. Though being held on $25,000 bail until a Tuesday hearing the sad news is that Redmond was not allowed to be a cell mate with the friend. No word on whether or not Redmond will be appearing in the series 'So You Thought You Could Get Away With It,' but I think he's a shoe-in for the film 'Dude, Where's My Brain!" ***

Alaska Air Heads

Attention all news channels and networks. It is NOT news, when a reporter uses the words tornado with mobile home or suicide bomber and Iraq in the same sentence. *** Another doll release celebrating the 50th Anniversary of Barbie is heading to collectors everywhere. A Kentucky Derby Barbie will be issued in honor of the 135th Running of the Roses on May 2nd. A the Derby, people will have a chance to win a life sized Kentucky Derby Barbie. The one of a kind doll will be inflatable and feature a facial expression as if she were pronouncing the letter O. *** Ok already, enough with the affirmation that America made the right choice but not voting in the McCain/Palin ticket. Beyond Sarah's inability to just spell I.Q. there were the issues around her daughter's out-of-wedlock pregnancy, then the breakup of her daughter and the baby daddy, then the baby daddy's Mama got arrested for drugs and now Palin's sister-in-law, Diana Palin is being charged with two-counts of felony burglary. As a result, the Palins have closed their mail box because to their family, P.O. stands for Parole Officer. ***

Don't Come To Mommy

I love the line in the new issue of Time magazine which reads "CBS cancels Guiding Light after being reminded that Guiding Light was still on the air. *** A judge in Malawi has denied Madonna's request to adopt a 3 year old girl named Mercy James. The ruling claims that the decision was in the best interest of the little girl who will remain living in an orphanage in the impoverished country where the life expectancy for a woman is 43 years. HUH??? Prepared with a backup plan, Madonna will be meeting with Nadya Suliman on Monday, with a cashiers check in hand. *** Just when you thought that the High School Musical movie franchis was over, comes news that it will live forever as Madame Tussaud's wax museum in New York has just unveiled a Zac Efron statue. Though the likeness is quite striking it's easy to tell the two apart as the wax version as a wider acting range during auditions and wears less mascara. ***

Call Now and Get a Peak At My Aqua Globes

Disturbing news that Vince the Sham-wow spokesperson was arrested for punching a hooker. Apparently, while locked in a kiss, the wicked city woman bit down on his tongue and wouldn't let go so Vince socked her. Vince's defense is certain to be "I was just demonstrating my new product, a self defense course called "The Sham Pow." *** Showing a polite concern for those struggling in a downturned economy, Elton John celebrated his 62nd birthday with less opulence than usual by hosting the event at what he called "a burger bar" but is best known as the LA hotspot Hamlet on Sunset. As fast food and burgers were the theme it's of no surprise that more than one guest mistook Amy Winehouse as Ronald McDonald. Other guests included Sharon and Ozzy Osborne, Cindy Crawford and Ricky Lake. The evening went smoothly except for the moments Sharon Osborne was seen carting off her husband Ozzy, he kept trying to swat the mole off Cindy Crawford's face. *** Aaron Spelling's widow, Candy has decided to sell the Spelling Manor and it can be yours for only the amount of an AIG bonus - $150 million. Sure, sounds like a lot but it's really a steal. Consider all you get from the home that Charlie's Angels and the Love Boat built. There's 4.6 acres of land, the main house is only $56,500 square feet, with bowling alley, gift wrap room, gym, barber shop and beauty shop. Poor Candy will be moving into a two story condo which is still under construction. The delay was caused due to a platinum shingle shortage in Botswanna. ***

April Entertainment News

It's time to hit the couch. HBO's hit series In Treatment, starring Gabriel Byrne as Dr. Paul Weston, returns this month but with a changed schedule. Rather than a new episode each night of the work week, HBO will air two back to back episodes on Sunday night followed by three back to back episodes on Monday evening so you better adjust your DVRs or this could be the time to finally learn how to use it. As expected, this season of In Treatment will bring new clients for Dr. Weston including John Mahoney (The Broken Hearts Club,) Allison Pill (who played Anne Kronenberg in the film Milk) with Michelle Forbes (True Blood) and Dianne Weist (The Birdcage) reprising their roles from last season. *** Weist will also appear in Rage, a drama written and directed by Sally Porter featuring Jude Law (The Talented Mr. Ripley), John Leguizamo (To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything Julie Newmar), Eddie Izzard (The Riches) and Steve Buscemi (Parting Glances.) *** With the number of Gay people involved in the sequel to Hairspray, it should be called "Hair As Folk." So far the project is called Hairspray 2: White Lipstick, and is being written by John Waters, with music by Marc Shaiman under the direction of Adam Shankman. This is a re teaming as all three worked on the original Hairspray. Holiday movie goers helped make Shankman's Bedtime stories, starring Adam Sandler, a hit but more importantly he also directed the web sensation Proposition 8: the Musical which effectively addresses the hypocrisy of California voters who supported Proposition 8.
John Travolta had previously given Shankman the thumbs up on returning for the Hairspray sequel but with the recent tragic death of his son Jett, the role of Edna Turnblad could be written out. Shankman has confirmed that Michelle Pfeifer will not be returning as the creative team have plans for a new nemesis. Here's an idea, I hear Condaleeza Rice is searching for work. Look for the musical to open in 2010. ***
No shock on my face to learn the the Australian stage production of High School Musical closed 4 weeks early. As I've suffered High School Musical overload to most of my senses I would like to propose, after High School Musical 1, 2 & 3, that if Disney greenlights another sequel, it must be titled - High School Musical 4 - Dummies. ' On the subject of over marketing, The Hannah Montana movie opens this month and it could be the campiest film of the year. In addition to star Miley Cyrus and her former mullet king, dad Billy Ray the cast includes, Vanessa Williams (Ugly Betty), Tyra Banks (America's Next Top Model), Vicki Lawrence (Mama's Family), Barry Bostwick (Brad from the Rocky Horror Picture Show) and if that wasn't enough - Dolly Parton. Give it 6 months and Netflix will be offering a two for one special, if you rent The Hannah Montana Movie you get the Jonas Brothers in 3-D movie for free. ***
Keir Gilchrist, the Gay son, Marshall, on Showtime's The United States of Tara, joins his costar from that series Brie Larson, for the film Just Peck. A Brie of a different kind also joins the ensemble with Marcia Cross ( Bree on Desperate Housewives) as Gilchrist's very strict mother. The plot follows a teen who's overbearing parents force him to enter the Science Fair. Poor Keir, goes from one dweeb role to another. What's next, the sequel to Napoleon Dynamite? ***
Dragonball: Evolution, the live action film version of the Dragonball Z animated series opens April 8th. Justin Chatwin (War of the Worlds) stars as Goku, the hero destined to defend the Earth by locating the 7 powerful Dragonballs. And you thought Dragons only had two? The magical orbs grant endless power in order to defeat the evil Lord Piccolo played by James Marsters.Just wait till you see HIS weapons of mass destruction. Though a familiar face to fans of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, and Smallville, Marsters added to his cult fan followers when he played the former love interest of Capt. Jack Harkness on the hit UK series Torchwood. *** A fascinating ensemble is found in the May 1st opening of X-Men Origins: Wolverine. The first in what is intended to be a series of X-Men movie prequels, covering the early days of the film trilogy's most popular characters. Hugh Jackman returns in the title role with Ryan Reynolds (Blade: Trinity) as Deadpool, Liev Schreiber (The Manchurian Candidate) as the young Sabretooth, Dominic Monaghan (Lost) as Beak, Taylor Kitsch (Friday Night Lights) as Gambit, the 6' 6" Kevin Durand (Smokin Aces) as the Blob, Lynn Collins (True Blood) as Silver Fox and from the Blackeyed Peas Will I. Am as John Wraith. ***
Here comes a Xena Warrior Princess reunion of sorts on the new action thriller web series called Angel of Death starring Zoe Bell. What? You say that the name of Zoe Bell doesn't ring one for you? Why everyone over 40, who lives in their parent's basement, spends most of their time with computer games, who only get out of the house for Star Wars conventions and greet others with the Vulcan, Live long and prosper hand salute knows who Zoe Bell is. Since I'm not in my 40s and my parents didn't have a basement, I'll go ahead and enlighten you. Zoe Bell was the longtime stunt double for Lucy Lawless on the series Xena Warrior Princess. The reunion aspect comes from the fact that one of Bell's costars will be Ted Raimi who not only played Joxer on the Xena series but is the brother of the show's executive producer Sam Raimi. And if that's not enough to satisfy Xena fans, the warrior princess herself will appear in the role of Vera. ***
The lawsuit, delaying the latest season of Project Runway, continues, between Bravo and the Lifetime Cable Channel. Host, Heidi Klum has asked fans to organize protests at the home of uber producer Harvey Weinstein, blaming him for the delay. Though still now premiere dates for the 6th season, former Project Runway contestant Kenley Collins was arrested in Brooklyn a couple weeks ago. The bratty designer was charged with assault against her ex-fiance which stems from her attacking him with a lap top computer and her cat. Yes, you read that right, her own BFF - Best Feline Forever. Clearly, Ms. Collins misunderstood her mother's relationship advice which told her daughter, "Whenever you think you might be loosing your man, just show him your pussy!"